our town

Chapter 37

I don't know when I fell in love with Sambo.

In my impression, it seems that a year passed with him in the blink of an eye. This year, there were quarrels and small disputes, but there was no such pain as this year. It may have started when he betrayed me. , unable to grasp the unwillingness of my lover, drove me like a beast, and fell into the abyss step by step.

The longing and loneliness after breaking up are the most terrible.

I once heard a friend say: "The most terrible thing in this world is not drugs, but loneliness."When you get used to the warmth around you, the sudden loneliness makes you fearful, as if you are facing an abyss, you know that you can't move forward, one step forward will die, and one step back will lead to life.

I chose to live, but I have no bones in life.

This love is too humble, and I don't have the courage to do it all over again.If I do it all over again, maybe I will still choose this kind of pain.

I deeply suspect that this is the sin I did in my previous life. If I don’t encounter the three treasures in this life, I will be the four treasures and five treasures. There will always be one treasure that will make me fall apart.

There should be a catastrophe in the hit, and no one is to blame.

Sometimes I wondered if I killed too many moths when I was young, so that I would grow up and fight the flames for them.

The pleasure and anxiety of killing when I was young, I always think of it occasionally. I can't help but capture the beautiful moth image, and the life passing by the knife makes me feel scared.I am longing for slaughter at the same time, human beings are always attracted by beautiful things, no matter whether it brings you a fatal temptation or not.

I know that the self-righteous beauty has always been in a hurry, but in the light of love, I live by ignoble things.If this is a game destined to never turn back, please let me play longer, longer...

I want to bet my youth on your love, just once.

We have no money at all. Sanbao and I eat white water noodles at home and watch various serials at night. I live in school very early, and I am almost immune to TV. If I watched it with Sanbao, I also discovered the beauty of TV dramas. Interesting, nice.

The lines in the TV series made me laugh out loud: "Are you coming to pick up people at the train station too?"

"No nonsense? If you don't pick up people, will you pick up animals?"

Sanbao and I finished watching "Days Related to Youth" in those few days, and the current TV series are better than I expected.

Although we are poor, we are really happy.

There are still seven dollars, the last seven dollars.No vegetables, no oil.

At noon, Sanbao bought a ramen with it and added an egg, which was exactly seven yuan.

Bring it home and let me eat first, I keep my head silent, and let me eat the last bowl of noodles first.

Sambo, why do you treat me so well in these small things, why can't you work harder, even if you drive a taxi, I am willing to stay with you for the rest of my life.It's a pity that Sambo couldn't do it, he was stereotyped, and told me personally that he was stereotyped and could not be changed.

The taste of ramen is very good, waste oil, chicken essence, bone broth, eggs.I ate less than half of it and gave it to Sanbao. Sanbao couldn't wait for a long time, and started to gobble it up after receiving the noodles. Sanbao said that he would go out after eating and find some money to live on.I asked him what he was going out for, and he said he didn't know, let's see.It's better to go out than to be at home, where you can only wait for death.I asked him how to take the car without money, and he said it was simple, call a friend and ask him to come out and pick it up.I can think about it.

Sure enough, Sambo came back with money, not much, seven or eight hundred yuan, enough for us to pay electricity bills and buy groceries. I asked him where he got it, and he said, "I go to a friend to apply for a credit loan. It's very convenient now, as long as I have an identity I can get a loan with the credit card, I have already gone through the formalities, and I will come down soon, I will pay a little in advance from the person who applied for the credit loan, and then deduct it from the loan after the application is completed."

This is also a way.

At that time, I had changed from a self-reliant youth to a burden who was willing to be a rice bug at home.I enjoy it and don't want to wake up.If Triple Treasure won't let me go out, I won't go out.If Sambo doesn't let me work, I won't work.

Anyway, the summer vacation is here, so I just stay at home and don't go anywhere.When you have free time, read books, watch TV shows, clean the room, and wait for Sambo to come back.

This is a relatively peaceful period of time. We have gone through the quarrel period, the running-in period, and the period of being dependent on each other, and we feel that we have merged into one. I almost thought that the rest of my life would be like this when I was calm.

But Sanbao is getting weirder and weirder, going out more and more, not lacking in money, people have become more particular, and I have started to find fault with the details that I usually don’t pay attention to. I have a subconscious hunch that the changes in Sanbao are definitely not because of money. .I started to become more cautious, starting to pay attention to his clothes and mobile phone.

Sure enough, Sambo started to put the phone on the card, and would pay attention to the movement of the phone at every turn.Sometimes I get impatient with me, and there is no intimacy when we sleep together. We are like two old married couples, lying on the same bed, each with ghosts.

Another day, Sambo was playing with his hair in every possible way in front of the mirror when he went out. I teased him: "Brother Bao, it's almost enough. Are you afraid you are having an affair?"

Sanbao despised me: "Hehe, what are you talking about, I will have an affair?"

It may be because he suddenly thought that he had indeed had an affair, and then turned serious: "Isn't it necessary for me to go out? Look who doesn't pack properly when they go out. It's not like you. You don't wear enough jeans and white T-shirts all day long." ?”

I:"……"

This is the way to simplicity. Pan Pan once said, "The simpler the outfit, the better it looks."Besides, my clothes are obviously small and clean, don't you like them the most?

I'm not old yet, and I'm starting to dislike me.

After Sambo left, I began to think, I disliked my innocent appearance, then he knew someone who was more flirtatious than me, and he would only dislike it if there was a comparison.

The final step is evidence.If you look for it, opportunities will always arise.I purposely took a nap in the afternoon, waiting for Sanbao to come back in the evening, pretending to be asleep, and checking his phone.

The waiting time is the most difficult, every minute and every second is against you, I don’t know how long it has passed in the dark, so long that I thought the flowers were all withered, and finally it was four o’clock in the morning, and I stepped lightly like a thief On the bed, I take every step carefully, even my breathing is kept at a constant speed, and even my heartbeat is afraid that it will be too loud.Step by step, I moved forward with difficulty, and finally got Sanbao's mobile phone, and then moved step by step to the living room, opened it, checked, there was nothing.

Nothing wrong, no affair.

Strange, how is it possible, I have been with Sanbao for so many years, I should not be too sensitive to his every move, my intuition tells me that there is definitely something wrong with Sanbao.

Or something is missing.

QQ, it must be QQ, we hardly use this software, if it is used for having an affair, it is a good choice.

I opened QQ, sure enough, Sanbao and the boy were connected by QQ.

"Which district are you in baby?"

"Novice field, I'm brewing beans. Baby, you go first."

……

"Where have I been waiting for you for a long time?"

"You play first, on the way, I'll be there soon, Dabao."

……

"Occupy a machine, in the corner."

"it is good."

……

"Why didn't you let me in this game? I'm angry."

"Dabao, if you act coquettishly, I will let you."

"Brother Bao~~You just let me~~"

……

My hands and mouth trembled, my heart trembled, and my whole body was cold. Counting the time they have known each other, it has been more than 20 days. It has been more than 20 days. This is the point. I have talked all the sweet words in more than 20 days. This is still on QQ What about real life?They couldn’t be sweeter in real life. I dare not think, guess, or fantasize about their being together. A little fantasizing would break me down.

I couldn't help it, rushed in and threw the phone at Sanbao, yelling heartbreakingly: "Are you a bastard, the cheapest and cheapest bitch in the world, no one is more shameless than you, this is you The so-called love me, you love me ass, you only love yourself, you love outsiders, you cheated again, cheated again, do you have no shame, do you have a brain problem, what is wrong with me , you do this again and again, don’t you have a bottom line in your heart? I don’t go to school because of you, and I don’t go to work. I only do housework at home and serve you. It's..."

I don’t know if it’s because I’m more angry or more cold-hearted. I’m angry at my lack of focus, I’m angry at myself for being pitiful, I’m angry at being treated like a monkey by others for my single-mindedness, I’m angry at myself for lowering my posture in every possible way and not being valued by others, and I’m angry at my good life It was a mess, angry that the person in front of him was heartless, angry that the lover around him was inferior to pigs and dogs, angry at himself for being blind, angry at his partner for not respecting others, angry at himself for having no bottom line, angry at his boyfriend for being a scumbag.

I was so angry and cold, I couldn’t speak anymore later, Sanbao picked up the mobile phone on the ground, looked at the opened QQ interface, I think what he regrets most at the moment is not that I found out, but that he regretted not deleting the chat casually For the record, he knew that this matter would not be rounded off, and he could only save a little room by resorting to real actions. Sanbao Nuonuo explained: "I just lied to him. He is a local, rich in family, and he is outside every day. To play, I just want to lie to him for some money, he has no feelings, you believe me, don't we have no money in life, and I have no choice, so... I met by chance, absolutely no feelings, you have to believe me. "

Even the explanation was so straightforward, and he admitted it directly.

I started fantasizing about the little things they were together again, started taking a bath, started kissing...

I can't think about it, my head will explode if I think about it, I control my thoughts and don't let myself drive myself crazy, I know that if I think about it, I will scream and hysteria.

I kept convincing myself in my mind, no feelings, it's all for money, no feelings, it's all for money...

I used this sentence to calm myself down. Seeing that I was shaking, Sambo came over and hugged me tightly, comforted me, and whispered softly, telling me not to think too much. It was all a misunderstanding. He just wanted to get some money for us Life, I don't know what to do anymore.

continue to be angry?I'd be pissed off.

Keep making noise?Break up will be reconciled, I choose to remain silent.

Sanbao carried me to bed, hugged me, and told me not to think too much and go to bed early.

My brain is like a machine that has not been used for a long time, just let it go. Once it starts to work, it hurts. People have a sense of self-protection. When your brain knows that if you continue to bear it, you will break through your bottom line. A self-protection mechanism will be issued, and my self-protection mechanism will force me to choose to believe, let go, and sleep.

I curled up in Sambo's arms and asked him, "How do you know each other?"

"We met in an Internet cafe."

"Is it a game?"

"Fight the Landlord."

……

Sambo is lying to me again, only those who have been happy like to go to the Internet cafe to fight the landlord, they must not know each other in the Internet cafe.

"What does he look like?" I asked again without giving up.

"Small, not as good-looking as you."

"Do you look as good in clothes as I do?"

"No, no one can compare to you."

"Then why are you still looking for him?"

"I said it was for money, why did you go around and come back again, go to sleep, you have something to do tomorrow."

"What's the matter? Is it to see him?"

"Can you still sleep? If you don't sleep, I will go out to sleep."

……

Are you so impatient to even coax me now? sad.

……

I turned around and left my back to Sanbao, and tears flowed down my face. Whoever said boys don't like to cry, it didn't reach the point of sadness.Tears are like running water, I can't stop, I wet the pillow, wet the sheets...

I was angry with myself, why did I shed tears, didn't I say it was for money...

Sanbao felt that I was crying, and reached out to hug me, telling me to stop thinking about it, I only love me in this life, I don’t know if it is too much energy under the atmosphere, or he just loves me in this life His promise is so reassuring, I fell asleep crying in his arms...

I had a dream. I dreamed that my grandfather came to see me. He lost his eyesight. He didn't speak, but I could feel what he meant. He meant, are you blind? Looking for such a man?

After waking up, I was terrified. This dream was so real, it seemed as if it happened just now. Every move in the dream was clear and clear. Grandpa’s walking posture, angry appearance, and inner activities all reminded me. : It's my grandfather who really can't bear to see it any longer. He entrusted me with a dream and told me to stay away from him.