sinovels Chapter 44 Decent
Chapter 44 Decent
After Valentin left, days were no longer counted by days.
The afternoon became especially unbearable. Even though the doors and windows were closed, all kinds of restlessness and noise still came in through the cracks in the doors and windows. It gradually submerged me like a flood, torturing my hearing and buzzing my nerves. It was the peak of this annoyance at five or six o'clock, when the light was no longer bright, and it was not bright enough no matter how much I turned on the light. Lying on the bed in a daze; but when I was in a daze, Valentin would get into my mind and disappear at the end of the corridor over and over again, carrying a bag that was not zipped properly, without looking back once.Previously such replays would have caused me to shed tears of heartache, but after countless mornings and evenings, it has almost become a routine punishment to test whether I am still alive.I asked myself more than once, what went wrong in the middle?What did I overlook, what did I do wrong?After thinking about it, it became more and more confusing, and finally had to lead to another question, do I really love him?
I looked at the Ralph Lauren tablecloth on the table, the wine stain dripped on it and I never touched it; the closet was full of my clothes, and Valentin's stuff was so small that there was almost no trace of it once it was taken away.I also saw the electric guitar that was carried over thousands of miles from China, lying in a corner covered in dust; I may not have touched the camera for a long time, since I took a picture of Andre half a year ago, I haven’t taken it out since the battery probably died run out.I sat on the edge of the bed and looked at those bits and pieces in a daze. I thought that I lived so much, liked and loved so many things, but I was actually looking for a reason, a hope, a decent reason, and a The hope of living.And such aspirations include going to school, dating, and socializing, as well as those fancy clothes piled up in the closet, Ralph Lauren tablecloths, I behave like any young man who is under the influence of materialism, chasing beauty, chasing decent, chasing Intense and straightforward.Decent, decent is too difficult.
But I suddenly felt that none of this mattered anymore.This makes me feel terrified, because it means that the thin thread that holds the world is finally broken, and my balloon, which has already floated in the sky, is unrestrained, and can be pecked by birds or squeezed by air currents at any time. It's a broken ending.Once I accepted it, I became inexplicably calm. I don’t think anyone cares whether I am decent or not. Even if I die at home in a dishonorable way, no one will find out.
I briefly sobered up during my event at home, went downstairs to get some fast food, and realized it was snowing outside.It was already at this time that the car behind made a loud noise like an angry beep, and I staggered, helped the hood of the car next to me to wipe the snow, and after the car drove past angrily, I found that it was my car that I was touching , A big hole was broken in front of the window glass, and a carload of snow was poured.It was then that I suddenly remembered that the car was smashed, and I hadn't called the insurance company yet, and I didn't know if the insurance deadline had passed.
After being stuck in the snow for 2 minutes, I finally chose to escape home - being exposed now means constant trouble for me, means being maliciously hurt, and I am really tired of dealing with it.When I got home, I immediately swallowed two pills, a larger dose than usual, just to fall asleep quickly.Strange to say, I used to be very resistant to taking this anticonvulsant drug, because I was always in a trance after waking up, unable to remember things, and the whole person was like a cloud; but since I started taking it again during this period, I found that The medicine is very effective. When I wake up, I forget many things and many burdens. I think I felt uncomfortable after taking this medicine in the past. Most of the doctors at that time were too lazy to talk to me. They exaggerated the diagnosis and prescribed a sedative medicine. Well, I wasn't really that sick at all; and now, luckily, I'm broken enough to take these pills.
But today, for some reason, I tossed and turned on the bed for two hours without a trace of sleepiness. I got up, cooked something and swallowed two slices. He rushed to the bathroom with his hair down, trying to drown out the noise with the sound of running water.
I sat in a daze in the water, surrounded by steam, staring closely at the forked limbs, the net-like skin, as if they would disappear suddenly, but under my scrutiny, they must not dare to disappear like this without evidence .There must be something wrong with my brain. I felt that I was being floated up and down by the steam. I subconsciously wanted to hold it tightly, but there was a splash of water, and my legs kicked convulsively.Why aren't those pills working yet?I'm about to be taken away.
I was very scared and wanted to feel something, so I scratched my leg fiercely, but maybe it was loosened by the hot water, and the pain of the skin and flesh was very dull; when I lowered my head and glanced at my waist inadvertently, I was shocked—— oh , how could I have forgotten that Valentin was here all along.Slender waist and long legs, with hanging eyes, arms crossed, looking at me calmly.I really hate him for looking at me like this, the next second he will say that I am crazy, I am the only one who is crazy, and I am the only one who is tortured, this relationship is lonely from the beginning to the end.
I lowered my head and stared at the skin on my waist, it was already flushed from rubbing, but my hands didn't let go, five nail marks spread all over it, almost to the point of digging the skin off.The water had been standing all the time, flowing down from the top of my head, squinting my eyes, and the water vapor came up, I couldn't breathe, I raised my head suddenly, swept to the razor on the sink, picked it up without hesitation and slashed it on my waist.I scratched his face, scratched his wings, scratched his legs, smashed his eyes, smashed and smashed this part of me.At that moment, I hated him to the extreme, so hated that I could pay him back at the expense of flesh.The smell of blood mixed with the smell of the bathtub, and an uncontrollable nausea surged in my chest, and I finally bent over and vomited while clutching the wound.
There was a lot of blood on the towel, the cuts were intricate and mottled, but the blade was sharp, the cut was not deep, and it didn't hurt too much. The moment the blood came out, I finally fell from the sky like a deflated balloon. To reality, regain a moment of sobriety.I stood up and wiped it clean, turned on the water, wiped the blade, and sterilized the wound, as if I had completed a treatment process, without much feeling in my heart.
However, when I came out of the shower, I smelled a pungent gas smell, and remembered that I had just cooked something and left it closed. Just as I was about to drag my steps to the kitchen, suddenly a white light flashed through my mind, and I seemed to have caught it. He was as excited as a life-saving straw, so that he shouted in ecstasy: "——Good!"
So I turned my heels, and instead of going to the kitchen to turn off the gas, I went back to the bedroom and lay down, trembling with excitement because I had hidden a big secret, how could I forget, among the thousands of desperate and uncontrollable things, at least there is still this One thing I can control.But after lying down for a while, I became uneasy again. The bedroom is too far away from the kitchen, and I am afraid that someone will call the police before the gas expands into the room; I can’t lie down in the kitchen, it’s too ugly; You can also look out the floor-to-ceiling windows.So I got up from the bed, hugged a few pillows and laid them on the sofa, and watched the sun slowly turn orange, just like in summer—strange to say, there has never been a day in winter for so long With the sun as big as today, the snow should melt.
I don’t know if it’s the effect of the gas or the medicine. I feel my eyelids gradually getting heavy, and the numbness from the tailbone to the spinal cord makes me feel goose bumps all over my body. I can almost feel the medicine rushing in the blood vessels, washing, slowly Erase me from the world, and a disorderly and meaningless mess will be wiped out.
I feel that I am too tired in this match, always demanding the ultimate, and finally ending with the ultimate.I think the problem is not the relationship, the problem is me and him, it existed long before the relationship started; I think it through now, I can't stop loving him, and my love for him is not The root cause of all this; hate is that I love him as much as I hate myself.Only now none of that matters.
etc--
Who is that?
I opened my eyes falsely, trying to struggle to get up and look downstairs, but unfortunately my hands and feet were already weak, and I couldn't use any strength, so I could only try my best to suffocate my neck.After I saw it clearly, I was suddenly very relieved. I knew that the time must be running out, and I could see the phantom of Valentin, his curly hair fluttering in the wind, holding two ice creams in his hand, his skin covered by the setting sun. It turned orange red, it was like returning to summer, it was the most unforgettable time in my short life; who would have thought that people's memory would be gentle at the last moment, without any suffering and paranoia, otherwise everyone would They were all flushed, I was moved and wanted to laugh out loud—poor and ridiculous Jiang Qiwan, on the verge of death, still dreaming of this kind of fantasy!
The door opened for me, and it really was like what all the movies said, a glaring white light leaked in, and there was a faint shadow shaking, presumably it was the angel who came to pick me up.I was so excited that I wanted to open my arms and cry out, to celebrate my courage, to celebrate my soul being finally freed from the chains of emotions, so that there would be no more pain.
However, it was not an angel's kiss, but a painful punch. I opened my eyes in shock, and saw Valentin's angry face twisted and horribly, yelling and not knowing what to say, It made my ears ringing, and the tinnitus was severe; I wanted to push him away and tell him not to hit me or block my way, but my hand was weak, hanging limply on the ground, and I felt a slippery, cold slice , like a dropped ice cream.