[Wei Yong] Looking for Lilia

Chapter 38

Victor Nikiforov, as a frequent visitor to a bar, knows a lot of people who don't drink well.Some drink too much to cry, some drink too much to laugh maniacally, and some people reveal their little-known nasty side - this is talking about Chris - but Katsuki Yuuri is neither .

He is definitely the most well-behaved and best-behaved drunkard Victor has ever dealt with. After dancing a hearty dance and slurring his thoughts on Victor's hair, he fell into a In a deep sleep like a corpse, Victor was allowed to carry him through the carnival, through the entire town, and even to the door of the room on the fifth floor of the hotel, but he remained motionless.

Victor couldn't help but imagine what a wonderful world it would be if everyone was as manipulable as Yuuri when drunk.He walked into the room and turned on the chandelier—a warm glow that illuminated the room.He walked over to the bed and put Yuuri down, who subconsciously smacked his mouth twice.

"Cold." He muttered vaguely, groping for the quilt under his body, "It's so cold..." He took a lot of effort to tear a small corner out of the tightly fitted bed, and bit by bit The quilt was ripped out whole, rolling itself into a poor sushi shape.

Victor thought it was funny.The night was too long for him, too much happened, and yet at the end of the day, he and Yuuri were here, he was the same Viktor, and Yuuri was the same Yuuri, like two blocks in a river The stubborn rocks have not changed the situation of facing each other a little bit because of the erosion of the water.

The relationship between Victor and Yuuri may not have been salvageable from the very beginning.He leaned against the glass sliding door of the balcony, the coldness of the glass eroded his body temperature little by little, the body temperature left by Yuuri, he felt that he drank too much, it was just a body, a shell that maintained mechanical movement to support it When he came back here, there seemed to be several high-pitched busy tones playing in his mind at the same time, and they didn't stop until he was completely cold.

The sushi on the bed moved, and a messy head poked out from one end.Katsuki Yuuri raised his head with difficulty and found Victor.

He gave a goofy smile.

"I seem to be drinking too much," he whispered. "Victor. I seem to be drinking too much."

"I think so," Victor replied, and he walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, Yuuri was wrapped up in the blanket, only showing his red face, he looked strangely childish, with half-drooped eyelids Looking at it, as if embarrassed to look directly at Victor.

"How was your talk with Chris?" he asked. "Did it work out?"

"No results." Victor said softly, at this moment even the air smelled sweet, he was willing to give everything, as long as he stayed in this moment - no quarrels, no knots, just two people, regardless of whether No relationship, no consideration of where to go, just simply being together, him and Yuuri, just the two of them.

"Oh!" Yuuri said softly, "I'm sorry." He poked a hand out from under the comforter and grabbed one of Viktor's little fingers, his palm moist, just like when he was a child .His eyes are moist too, "He... he looks fine," Yuuri says sincerely.

Victor laughed. "I thought you'd say it was weird."

"It's kind of weird," Yuuri says, sounding nasally, "but he's your...friend, so he must be fine."

If you knew what he was up to today, you might not think so.Victor thought silently, but he didn't say it.He tried to hold Yuuri's hand back, but Yuuri took it away with a whoosh as if he had been electrocuted.

They sat like this for a while in silence.

"I'm sweating," Yuuri whispers, "I'm sweating all over."

He sounded just like he did when he had a cold as a kid.

"That means you're about to sober up." Victor said, subconsciously changing back to the soft voice of his boyhood, "Would you like to take a bath?"

"I can't take a shower," Yuuri said, sounding very serious, "I'd fall over and hit my head."

"I can help you."

Yuuri was silent for a moment.

"But I don't want you to bathe me," he said. "Then you'll see."

"Oh honey," Victor said, not knowing whether to cry or laugh, "there's nothing I haven't seen about you."

Yuuri blushed even more, and shrank back under the covers.

"You saw everything," he muttered in a low voice, his voice sounded like weeping, obviously Viktor's words touched the fragile defense of the drunk Yuuri somehow, "You saw everything."

"What does that matter," said Victor, "I'm your nurse, I..."

"Don't mention that word!" Yuuri reached out and lifted the quilt, pressing the quilt under his arm, and he interrupted Viktor angrily, "Stop mentioning it!"

I don't know where I said the wrong thing. There is no reason to talk to a drunk. Victor, as the best drinker among his friends, knows this well.

But Yuuri wasn't satisfied again, shaking his head from side to side, making small, uncomfortable nasal noises.

"I'm sick," he said. "Victor, I want to sleep."

"Then go to sleep." Victor said, "Can I help you take off your clothes?"

"Not good." Yuuri muttered, "Then you will see it too."

"So what if you see it?" Victor asked, "Aren't you working out?"

"That's not the problem!" Yuuri yelled, then fell silent again, and after a while, he whispered, "I have scars on my body, it's ugly."

Yuuri would never know what kind of wound those words would have left on Viktor's heart.After a while, when Yuuri seemed to be falling asleep, Viktor spoke.

"I'll look elsewhere," he said, his voice a little nasal. "I promise."

Yuuri hesitated for a moment, and he nodded in agreement—although the drunk Yuuri spoke incoherently, he was much more eloquent than usual, and the sober Yuuri was more stubborn than a donkey.Viktor dug him out of bed and started undressing him, first the shiny lake blue jacket, then the black shirt (the neck was wide open), and Yuuri shivered, a tiny layer of skin forming on his skin. Goosebumps.

"Cold," he said, "I'm cold..." He fumbled for the quilt, trying to cover his naked upper body, but Victor had already seen it—on his flat left chest, a centipede-like scar was entangled. there.

Coincidentally, Viktor has a scar like that himself, almost in the same place as Yuuri, from that car accident - it's not a deep cut, it's almost as light as the other wounds on their bodies. It was like scratching an itch, as if God knew that the pain in their hearts was not less than that in their bodies, so they deliberately left a souvenir for them.

Yuuri curled up under the covers, looking too sleepy to keep his eyes open.Viktor covered his upper body tightly with a quilt and started to take off his boots, when he lowered his head and struggled with the laces of the boots, Yuuri suddenly sat up holding the quilt.

He sat quietly for a while, then suddenly reached out and poked Victor's head, and then he laughed to himself.

"I think I did hate you," he said, and Viktor froze, Yuuri sounded groggy, his voice was husky, "You're right, I hated you. But not because you were driving that day people."

"You have a talent that I can't catch up with in my life." He said, "I tried desperately and hard to get closer to you. You are mine...everything I pursue."

"Something I'll never have, can't do, and you just throw it away. It's like..." he said, and Viktor looked up, and Yuuri's tears rolled down his cheeks His cheeks fluttered down, and his voice choked, "It's like it's worthless to you—it's worthless to you."

He cried, his facial features were wrinkled into a ball, and he looked very embarrassed.After saying those words, Yuuri seemed to suddenly realize what he said, he started to try to stop crying, and wiped his tears with the back of his hand, but this only made the tears come more violently.

"What am I talking about," he muttered, "it's ridiculous..."

"No, it's not funny." After a short silence, Viktor said, taking Yuuri's hand tightly in his own, and said softly, "I'm glad you finally told me."

He paused. "It's not that dancing isn't important to me, Yuuri, it's that I have something more important." He closed those soft hands in his own, kissed them lightly, and looked up, smiling with tears in his eyes .

"I'm sorry," he said, "I'm sorry ... I caused this."

When Yuuri woke up, there was no one in the room, only the sound of his breathing in the darkness, rapid.

"Victor?" He narrowed his eyes and searched hard, "Victor...where are you?"

He is not in the house.Yuuri soon realized that he wasn't in the bathroom either... The room was quiet, there was no sign of anyone else, he was wearing clean pajamas, and the clothes he had changed were neatly folded and placed on the other bed— A bed without even a trace of someone lying on it.

Yuuri stared blankly for a moment, his memories began to float up vaguely, some very real, some as cloudy as clouds - he began to remember what he said.

"I hated you." He thought of himself telling Victor, "things I'll never have, can't do...you just throw it away." God, he felt a bucket of ice pop down his throat The eyes were poured into his body, and he remembered Victor's expression when he heard his words - remorse, guilt, pain... God, how could he say that to Victor?After knowing how important dancing is to Victor, and knowing who he gave up his dream for?How could he say something like that?

Because you want to hurt him.A shrill voice in his mind said, you want to hurt him because you're afraid you won't be the only one he's paying attention to - you're crying like a baby looking for milk, wanting more from Victor by any means Look at you, even if it takes advantage of the darkest and most selfish side of yourself.

it's not like that!He retorts it aloud, it's not like that...

Victor!It occurred to him again, that Viktor looked like his heart was broken—tears welled up in Yuuri's eyes, and he wiped his face with trembling hands.Where has he gone... I have to go... I have to find him and explain to him...

Tell him... I don't hate him, well, it's not "hate" in the sense of "hate to the bone", but regret... All of these, hatred, anger, alienation... all come from his deepest love. humble longing.

Don't do anything for me, let me love you is a gift.

He's going to... he's going to tell Victor...

But where did Victor go?

Maybe he's gone, this terrible thought suddenly entered Yuuri's mind, he finally couldn't take the damage anymore, so he left - he should have done this a long time ago, it's a miracle that he survived like that until today .Yuuri should be relieved, but why, why...

Why can't the tears stop?

He jumped out of bed in a daze, and walked around the room a few times - he should pack up, he should go home, maybe check the nearby train station first... But he just stood in the open space in the middle of the room, crying More and more—I didn’t expect that this was the real ending between him and Victor. There was no letting go, no ending, not even a decent farewell, and there was only hurt—he said cruel words in the name of love again and again , wanting to keep an indifferent distance, this is Victor's last impression of him, a bastard who doesn't know what to do.

His tears flowed more violently.At this moment, there was a sound from the direction of the window sill, which was especially piercing in the silent night.That was... the sound of a lighter being ignited.

Yuuri looks back blankly—and then he sees Victor.Victor, standing on the balcony, the moonlight shone on him like a bride's veil, shining silver - he turned his back to Yuuri, holding on to the railing of the balcony, when the wind lifted his hair, next to his ear Yuuri can see the profile of his face as he plays—cold, tight lines, and Yuuri bites his lip, his nose sore.

Victor didn't notice Yuuri's presence, he stood there quietly, looking very lonely - he was wearing a loose T-shirt, the graceful butterfly bone line was clearly outlined by the moonlight, he was so beautiful It seems that he does not belong to this world, but the place where he belongs-he is alone there.He is always so lonely, so far away.And Yuuri was still trying to push him further away.Beside his hand, Yuuri suddenly noticed that there was an ashtray full of cigarette butts.

How long has he stood there?Since when did he start smoking?What was he thinking about?Many questions lingered in his mind like snow, Yuuri wanted to call his name, but he never opened his mouth.He didn't know how to break the silence at this moment, this small balcony was like Victor's heart, it seemed close at hand, but in fact it was far away.

He just stared blankly at Victor for an unknown amount of time, and he only wished that this moment would be longer, longer.Victor puts out his cigarette, coughs, turns around, and then, he sees Yuuri standing behind the sliding door.

He froze.They're looking at each other through a pane of glass, and Yuuri feels his lips quiver, tears blurring his vision.He now—he desperately wanted Victor by his side.Yuuri reaches for the doorknob with a trembling hand, his hand is too weak, his palms are sweaty, he can't even grasp the plastic handle, and Victor, he's just standing there, watching Yuuri silently.His gaze was so cold, yet so hot, Yuuri felt like he was going to burn two holes in his body.

He finally succeeded, he opened the door, and there was Victor standing there, finally there was no barrier between them.

"Victor—Victor...I..." Yuuri began to stammer, not knowing what he was going to say, "I..."

Victor still looked at him like that, his eyes were as gentle as the moonlight outside the window.Seeing that gaze, Yuuri became more and more confused.

"I...I..." He didn't know where to start, he had so much emotion in his heart, if he was a machine, he would be overloaded at this moment.Victor took a step forward and stepped into the room.He walked up to Yuuri without saying a word.

"Shh," he said softly, "don't talk."

Then, he leans down...he kisses Yuuri.