Spring Summer Autumn Winter

Chapter 61

Yang Siyuan sat on the train all night. After returning to school, he didn't pack anything. He only changed a sheet and then lay down on the bed. He lay down for a whole day.

He had no energy or strength, and lay straight without turning over, staring at the top of the mosquito net in a daze.

Xu Linshuang was frightened by his appearance, and came over to ask a few questions during dinner, but did not get a single response.

It wasn't until around ten o'clock in the evening that Yang Siyuan finally got out of bed slowly and unpacked the instant noodles.

"Hey, don't eat that. Here, steamed stuffed bun." Xu Linshuang hurriedly stopped him, and gave him a bag of steamed stuffed buns, which seemed to be bought in the cafeteria at night, and was specially reserved for him.

Yang Siyuan thanked him, took the bun and ate it mechanically.

Xu Linshuang then moved a chair to sit beside him, and asked with concern: "What's wrong with you?"

What's wrong?He didn't know what was wrong with him either.

Chen Limei said that Li Yu'an was gay, and that Li Yu'an wanted to kiss him.So there was an explanation for his leaving without saying goodbye - because Chen Limei saw it.He avoided himself, he severed all contact with himself, and his abnormal unfeelingness had an explanation.

Because he likes him.

In this way, both of them like each other, but they didn't know each other's heart before, so they just missed each other abruptly.This miss could be a lifetime.

It's ridiculous, it's ridiculous.

Yang Siyuan suddenly burst out laughing, and when he finished laughing, he was stunned again as if he had lost his soul.

This state lasted for almost three days, and it was not until the fourth night that his condition got better. Taking advantage of Luo Fang and Guo Shun's absence, he told Xu Linshuang the whole matter.

After a moment of silence, Yang Siyuan lowered his head and said, "I feel so uncomfortable."

"Then you...do you want to be with him?" Xu Lin patted him on the shoulder and asked softly.

Yang Siyuan raised his head, his eyes dimmed.

"Think, think crazy."

"He must want to be with you too. But where is he... There is no way to contact him."

That's the problem, if he can get in touch, then he will definitely take this step.

But he couldn't be contacted, and the only information he knows now is his pseudonym.

...Wait, his pseudonym?

Suddenly, Yang Siyuan thought of something.

As if he had grasped a glimmer of hope, his eyes suddenly became focused.

"Wait a minute... There is an article written by him in a magazine you gave me. He seems to be a columnist for that magazine..."

"What? What's the name, go search online to see if there is any contact information!" Xu Linshuang said and turned on the computer quickly.

"It's... called 'Li Yuan'." Yang Siyuan stammered.

Xu Linshuang smiled when he heard the name, and then entered it into the search box.

Hitting the Enter key, the webpage was buffering slowly, and Yang Siyuan stared at the blank webpage holding his breath.

"Here we come!" The webpage came out, and Xu Linshuang browsed the information, a little surprised. "Only this article has been widely circulated. Why is there no author introduction... He doesn't have Weibo or anything. Doesn't this magazine know how to promote the author?"

Yang Siyuan watched him click all the relevant links, but couldn't find any information about Li Yu'an, his heart sank slowly.

However, at this moment, Xu Linshuang opened a web page, which was the journal's submission instructions. Yang Siyuan glanced at it hastily and saw the requirements for illustrations.

"Wait!" He pressed Xu Linshuang's hand, fixed the page at this position, then carefully read the request, and suddenly asked: "I can't ask the magazine directly for his contact information, right? They don't I will, and it's a bit too rascal, isn't it?"

Xu Linshuang thought about it and nodded.

"Then..." Yang Siyuan circled the word "illustration" with the cursor, and said, "If I can draw illustrations for his articles, will I be able to find a way to contact him?"

"It seems... yes." Xu Linshuang said.

Although this still sounds a bit perverted, but he can't care so much anymore, if he hesitates, then he may really lose his only chance.

"But this kind of magazine should have a fixed artist, and the illustrations in this magazine are far from your style... How long do you think it will take to successfully submit a manuscript at your level?"

Yang Siyuan straightened up, stared at the computer screen, and said after a while of silence: "I don't know, but I only give myself half a year. If it doesn't work after half a year, then I really can't control anything."

Xu Linshuang: "..."

You must let him succeed. With his current personality, he can really do anything.Xu Linshuang trembled silently.

He really can do anything, such as painting day and night after a week.

The illustration looks simple, but in fact it is not easy, especially for a person like him who loves to draw real scenes.He did draw some very abstract paintings when he was a child, but it was still far from the illustrations in magazines.He needs to start from scratch, stimulate his imagination, learn abstract thinking, and change his painting style. Everything is a new starting point for him and requires a lot of energy.

He gave himself half a year, but in fact it was not that long at all. He had to attend classes, do homework, take exams, prepare class presentations... These things took up most of his time, and he could only paint in the free time he squeezed out , and then occasionally go to discuss with club friends.

The senior sister in the club had experience in contributing manuscripts, so he would often ask her for advice. Slowly, the senior sister gave him less and less revision suggestions, and finally told him that he had reached the level of manuscript submission.

It snowed heavily in Wuhan that day, and the snowflakes fell on the trees one after another, quietly watching the people passing under the trees.In the white sky, people seem extremely small. Everyone is submerged in the crowd, and if they get separated, they will never be found again.

Yang Siyuan had just finished class when he received the reply from his senior sister. He walked out of the teaching building and walked in the heavy snow. He raised his hand to catch a snowflake and watched it melt instantly.He suddenly discovered that several months had passed.

He has been drawing like crazy since the beginning of school, and now, he is about to go on winter vacation, so he finally has the confidence to contribute.

The mood is really a bit complicated, it is a wonderful feeling mixed with anticipation and fear.

But he couldn't hesitate.

So after the exam week was over, he sorted out some drawings he was satisfied with, went to the printing shop to scan them on the computer, and submitted them to the magazine according to the format.

Then there is the long wait.In fact, it wasn't long, but it was too long in his subjective opinion.

Years ago, he got a reply and he made it.

At that time, he was standing in front of the bedroom window holding his mobile phone, watching the sunset outside, and suddenly felt that his life was not bad, and even a little bit happy.As if his life suddenly had a direction, he lived every day very fulfilling and meaningful.

But this little happiness was soon shattered.

Although he succeeded and drew several manuscripts for the magazine, none of the articles sent to him by the editor were Li Yu'an's.

He once euphemistically expressed his desire to draw illustrations for Li Yuan, but he was rejected for various reasons, and those reasons were very normal, leaving him speechless at all.

It's okay, don't be afraid, take it step by step, and one day you will find him.

Yang Siyuan comforted himself like this, from winter to spring, and from spring to summer.

He is already in the second semester of his junior year, and he has drawn pictures for the magazine for half a year. Although the number is actually not many, it is true that he draws every picture seriously.He wanted them to know that he was capable of drawing more and better.

He couldn't give up, and he didn't dare to give up. Later, he directly recommended himself, saying that he knew Li Yuan's works very well, and he could draw better illustrations for him.

Finally, the hard work paid off, and he received the Nth response on an explosively hot July day.

This time, he really succeeded.

The moment he saw the news, he got out of bed and ran around the room, he was so happy that he was going to heaven.

"Successful? I'll make you happy." Xu Linshuang saw him circling when he came back, and he knew what was going on after thinking about it, so he joked. "Find a way to contact him."

"Oh yes!" Yang Siyuan was overjoyed and almost missed the point.

He drank a glass of water to calm down for a while, and then told the editor that he wanted to contact Li Yuan, so that he could better understand the idea of ​​the article and make it easier for him to draw pictures.

This request seemed to be nothing, so the editor responded and said to ask Li Yuan.

Yang Siyuan thanked him and waited impatiently.

Soon, the editor came back and told him that Li Yuan agreed, and then gave him a QQ.

That wasn't Li Yu'an's previous girlfriend, Yang Siyuan was afraid that he would recognize him, so he also applied for a trumpet.After all, in his mind, Li Yu'an didn't know that he liked him, he was afraid that Li Yu'an would remember his QQ, and he was afraid that he would reject him.

So he turned on the trumpet, read the string of numbers silently, found Li Yu'an, and then sent a friend request.

He waited 2 minutes for a reply, but it felt like 200 years.

They are friends now, and now the person opposite this dialogue box is Li Yu'an, the real Li Yu'an...

His fingers were cold and trembling slightly as he typed.

"Hello." He greeted politely.

"Hello." Li Yu'an returned quickly.

This is Li Yu'an, it's Li Yu'an who is chatting with him!

He took a deep breath to calm himself down, and sent a message: "It looks like this, I am an artist who drew illustrations for "Inception", and I am very honored to be able to draw illustrations for your work this time. Because I like you very much article, and I know that you and I are from the same hometown, so I want to chat with you face to face, so that I can better understand the expression of the article, and it can also help me draw pictures that are more in line with the article. I don’t know you Is it convenient?"

His question was very straightforward and official, completely unlike his style, perfectly concealing his identity.

Must agree... must...Yang Siyuan said silently in his heart, his eyes fixed on the screen of the phone, feeling like his heart was about to jump out.

Finally, Li Yu'an sent a short sentence: "Thank you, I am available anytime, you can arrange it according to your own situation."

accepted!Yang Siyuan's hands trembled even more.

"Okay, thank you! I'll send you a few dates and addresses in a while, and you can choose the most convenient one."

"Okay, trouble."

After the conversation ended, Yang Siyuan still didn't calm down.Holding the mobile phone, he turned over and lay flat on the bed. He was in a daze for a while as if he had just woken up from a dream, and then suddenly laughed, crying all the time.

……

After Li Yu'an left the train station, he seemed to have lost his soul. He was out of shape the whole night. No matter how Brother Ling asked him, he didn't say a word, and he returned home quickly after work.

Difficulty breathing, weakness, lethargy, ashes... This is what he is talking about.

He reached out desperately to catch that light in his life, only to watch it recede farther and farther away from him, and finally disappear completely.

What could be more desperate than this?

He was really heartbroken, what excuses did he find for himself to wait for Yang Siyuan to come back, the reason why he could get closer to Yang Siyuan if he became excellent... It was all wishful thinking, he couldn't keep Yang Siyuan standing in front of him, What else are you talking about?

It's all fake, all of it.

He sat by the bed, feeling that he couldn't breathe, the world was spinning in front of his eyes, and the whole world was shaking, as if it was about to collapse.

No... I can't take it anymore.

There was a knife hidden in the bedside table, he took it out almost expressionlessly and without thinking, and then cut his left arm with it without hesitation.

It's been a long time since he's done that because he's been in control.But this doesn't mean that there is a place for those emotions to vent, and the pain that has nowhere to escape is accumulating day by day, just waiting for such an opportunity to bite him desperately.Therefore, this self-mutilation was different from the past. With the pain he had accumulated thousands of times, he used the strength almost to cut off his arm, cutting open the flesh of his arm one after another, watching the blood stain the blade.

Garbage, trash... can't do anything, can't keep anything...

Yang Siyuan will not come back to find you!You deserve nothing!

You should fucking rot all by yourself!

There seemed to be several ghosts lying next to his ears, constantly cursing him like this, the voices were amplified several times and then overlapped, wandering in his mind with echoes, destroying all his will.

His eyes were red, and he self-mutilated like crazy, the frequency became faster and stronger, and the blood gushed out continuously, soon covering his arms.

There are new wounds on top of old wounds, and he no longer cares whether he will be seen or not.

He doesn't care about anything anymore.

When will the debt be paid off?

Come on, pay it off quickly, let me die quickly.

He used this last thought to control the desire to commit suicide, and then threw the knife out.

The arm is still bleeding, I don't know how much it can bleed with so many wounds, will it dry up?

Maybe he would, but he couldn't do it yet.

After venting in this way, he calmed down a little, took the medicine and gauze numbly, and bandaged himself skillfully.

He can't die yet, which is a real nuisance.

Since then, he seemed to have returned to a few years ago, and all the memories with Yang Siyuan have been sealed up, like a restricted area that cannot be set foot in.Once he thought of Yang Siyuan occasionally, he would have to use physical pain to suppress it like this time.

Fortunately, the bar uniform is long-sleeved all year round, and no one sees his scars.

He suffered like this, using the remaining amount of debt as his countdown to death, counting the days.

One day in July, his life was still peaceful, but a painter named Mu An contacted him that day, saying that he hoped to meet and discuss something with him.

He doesn't care about anything anymore, and he doesn't care about illustrations.But his considerate personality was still damned in his bones, making him unable to refuse the painter's request.

Whatever it is, it won't matter if you meet him face to face, and besides, he is putting so much effort in order to paint for you, so what reason do you have to refuse.

Another voice in his mind said this to him, so he agreed to Mu An's request and waited for the other party to make arrangements for him.

Soon, Mu An sent him several dates and small shops for him to choose. He looked carefully and found that the small shops were very far away from each other, and almost found one in several corners of the city. Same.

Coincidentally, there was a coffee shop very close to his home, so he chose this one, then picked a date at random, and sent it to the other party.

Mu An quickly replied: "Okay, I happened to be home in the morning that day, shall we meet in the afternoon?"

Li Yu'an thought for a while, and finally replied: "If you get home that day, you should have a good rest first, and we can see you the next day."

He thought it was because the date he picked was not suitable, so the other party expressed this meaning tactfully, so he offered to change the date.

But Mu An said: "It's okay, it will be fine that day, thank you very much!"

"It's okay, thank you." Li Yu'an replied.

He looked at the date and found that he had to meet in a few days. Why didn't he think about it too much, a fool like himself?

Need to find a long sleeve shirt to cover these things.He looked at his scarred arm and thought.