sinovels Chapter 134 Loving Her Has Been Instinctive
Chapter 134 Loving Her Has Been Instinctive
At around twelve noon, Dr. Zhuang came to visit and frowned when he saw that Liu Yulin's pajamas were still stained with blood.
"It's unhygienic, and the clothes have to be changed."
"Well, okay, then I'll go home and get a change of clothes."
Taking advantage of Dr. Zhuang's company with Liu Yulin, Fang wanted to ask Liu Yulin for the house key with confidence.
Fang Xiang's clothes were also stained with blood, but it was just a coat, which had already been taken off. Her clothes were still at Shi Qingguo's place, and she had to go there later, first to get the clothes, and second, to see how Shi Qingguo was doing. .
Sitting in the elevator all the way down to the first floor, Fang Xiang remembered that the nurse told her to take the medicine an hour after meals, and now the time was up, and she forgot to tell Liu Yulin.
Liu Yulin didn't bring a mobile phone, so it would be a bit troublesome to call Dr. Zhuang to convey it. What's more, the medicine taken before meals and this medicine are both Baiyao tablets. No trouble, Fang Xiang abducted back again.
All the way back upstairs, I ran into the 70-year-old lady who was going downstairs to bask in the sun with the help of her [-]-year-old son.
Fang Xiang smiled and exchanged pleasantries with her, then arrived in front of the ward, just about to open the door, when he heard a vague sentence from inside: "What's the matter with your injury?"
It was Doctor Zhuang's voice.
Fang Xiang hesitated for no reason, then subconsciously withdrew his hand, avoiding the frosted glass on the door.
Liu Yulin's voice came over faintly, "It's nothing serious, it's just a temporary idea."
Dr. Zhuang: "A sudden idea? Do you know that Fang Xiang was there?"
Liu Yulin: "I don't know, I just guess that she might be there."
Dr. Zhuang: "You dare to act like this without knowing? What if you are not sent to the doctor in time and really kill you?"
Liu Yulin's low laughter came from the ward, "Aren't you the clearest about how I've lived these two years? Even if I really die, so what? Death is better than life."
Dr. Zhuang sighed slightly, "Your depression seems to have worsened again. Such negative thoughts are very dangerous."
Liu Yulin said calmly: "Yes, that's right. So, instead of dying of depression in the future, it's better to fight with your life. If you win, you win, and if you lose, it won't be worse than now. Besides, I'm not that bad." It's easy to die, you still have to come to me in the morning."
This is true.
There was a creaking sound of a chair in the ward. Dr. Zhuang leaned over and asked again: "Aren't you afraid of revealing your secrets? If Fang Fang wants to know that you lied to her again, I'm afraid it will really be over this time."
Liu Yulin subconsciously turned her head and glanced at the door of the ward, but she didn't see anything, so she spoke slowly.
"Afraid, why aren't you afraid? But my mind was completely messed up at the time! When I took the set meal, I didn't think about using bitter tricks. When I was closing the door, my brain suddenly became hot...
What I thought at the time was, whether she was here or not, I would bet on this last time, and I would also lie to her this last time.
If she's not here, I won't say anything if I'm knocked to death. If I don't die, I'll resign and leave the imperial capital, far away from her.
If she is here, I will use the excuse that she saved me, and stalk her, begging her to accept me, no matter how long I stalk, I will never let go.
To be honest, I didn't expect it to be so smooth at all, and it still feels unreal, but I know it's not a dream, because my head hurts all the time.
No matter what, I will keep this secret, treat her well for the rest of my life, and never lie to her again, even if it's just a joke.
This time, I absolutely can't lose her again. If I do it again, I don't think I can live without depression. "
After a long time, Dr. Zhuang said calmly: "Since it's a secret, you shouldn't tell me. I'm the one who talks too much, so I shouldn't ask. I pretend I haven't heard about this matter. I don't know anything. You, it was indeed an accident." Hurt."
Fang Xiang didn't know how she finished listening to this string of conversations, and how she got to Liu Yulin's apartment. When she realized it, she had already collapsed on the sofa and stayed there for half an hour in a daze.
How could this be?
Why is this happening?
It was hard for her to believe her, why is it like this! ! !
Just now she was still thinking, having her for the rest of her life, being stupid is also a blessing.
In a blink of an eye...
She is really too stupid! ! !
She endured dizziness and nausea and stood up, her mind was so blank that she couldn't think at all, she just mechanically thought about helping Liu Yulin get a change of clothes and looking for her medical insurance booklet.
The clothes were quickly found, but where is the medical insurance book?
She didn't use her brain at all, she rummaged through boxes and cabinets, but didn't find the medical insurance book, but found a burnt yellow diary.
This book looks familiar.
She opened it casually and glanced at it, and then it turned into a page, and then a book.
She read the entire diary standing up.
Although part of it was burned, it did not prevent her from understanding the meaning inside.
After ten years, she finally understood why Liu Yulin kept avoiding her in high school, and finally understood why Liu Yulin concealed that Liang Mingfei's love letter was written to her, and even more understood the origin of her depression.
Liu Yulin likes her, she has liked her since high school.
In order to let herself give up this abnormal feeling, she desperately shifted her attention to her studies. Whenever she lost her mind, she would prick her leg with a needle. It was the long acupuncture needle that she bought specially, not just one. One by one, but one by one!
She always has some beautiful dreams about her, and every time she wakes up, she will fall into unspeakable self-loathing, and then continue to prick herself with needles.
Over time, needle injections became a habit. She was unable to concentrate and stabbed herself in dreams that she shouldn't have. Sometimes she was still in the dream, and she instinctively took out the needle from under the pillow to wake herself up.
From the moment she chose to stab herself, she was already abnormal, but no one noticed, even she herself didn't know that she was on the verge of mental illness.
God loves to tease people the most. The more you fear something, the more something will come, the more you resist something, the more you can't get rid of it.
During that time, her thighs were always covered with blood spots, the old wounds were not healed, and new wounds were added, but the more she forced herself not to think, dream, or like, the more things backfired!
The diary is very thick, but after all, the number of pages is limited, and I haven't recorded the entire high school, but the diary for the last month or so has obviously become logically chaotic, and some pages are even slightly stained with blood.
She remembered that that period was the craziest time for Liu Yulin to study. Even when she went to the bathroom, she memorized English words all the way.
At that time, I always thought that she was stubborn, a top student whom she looked up to, but now thinking about it... only bitterness.
The spring is getting tighter and tighter, but she has been holding back, she can't take it anymore and she is still holding it, she can't take it anymore and still clenches her teeth and blood!
In the end, the spring broke and no one else was hurt, only herself.
Fang Xiang didn't know how she finished reading the entire diary, her fingers stroked the faint bloodstains on the last few pages, and stroked the burnt yellow footers, her eyes dimmed.
A good diary, why burn it?
If it needs to be burned, why save it?
Or, just accidentally burned?
This is a high school diary, why did it appear in the imperial capital?
When she was still living here before, she cleaned it together with Liu Yulin. She had never seen this diary, and it was obvious that she had just brought it here from her hometown.
Did Liu Yulin bring it here?Or... Father Liu?
Fang wanted to put the diary back to its original place, and sat by the bed in a daze for a long time, then turned his brain cells a little, and remembered that Liu Yulin seemed to say that the medical insurance book was in the drawer of the wardrobe, and the key to the drawer was in the bedside table.
After taking out the medical insurance book, she left the apartment with her clothes bag in her hand. When she got to the bus stop, she suddenly remembered that she had to go find Shi Qingguo.
She only called Shi Qingguo last night to give an overview of the situation, without going into details. She only said that she would come over today, first to see her, and second, to take away the change of clothes and teeth that were temporarily placed at her home. Cylinder toothbrush and the like.
She originally thought about taking these to Liu Yulin's ward so that she could take care of her, but now...
What should she do?
She looked up at the sky. It was not the blue sky that she saw in her hometown back then, but the gray sky. Just looking at it made people feel depressed.
But isn’t the blue sky the sky?Push away the dark clouds, clear away the smog, and the sky will remain the same as before.
The bus came, not No. 129 towards the hospital, but No. 106 to Shiqingguo Community.
She stepped up and got into the car, when there was a clang of a coin, it was crisp and sweet, as if embellishing this dull day with a small note.
Walking all the way to Shi Qingguo's house, and walked downstairs to the apartment, she remembered that she forgot to say hello to Shi Qingguo in advance, after thinking about it, she was already here anyway, so go straight up.
When I left last night, I didn't expect to stay out all night. I thought I would spend another night with Shi Qingguo and go to work today. When I left, I took the house key.
Before opening the door, he knocked on the door, then called Shi Qingguo twice, as a reminder, and then went in.
The living room was the same as when she left last night. The rag was left on the coffee table and she forgot to put it away. She threw the clothes bag on the sofa, and went to the kitchen to take a look. There were soup bowls and dishes piled up in the sink. There was a half pot of unfinished porridge.
It was she who stayed up last night.
It's almost four o'clock, and I don't know if Qingguo has ordered takeaway for breakfast and lunch.
She walked to the door of Shi Qingguo's room and knocked on the door.
"Shi Qingguo, are you awake? Can I go in?"
Boom!
Duang!
Suddenly there were several loud bangs from the door!
Fang Xiang was startled, hurriedly opened the door and entered!
"What's wrong Shi Qingguo?!!! Uh...Gao Qian?"
As soon as she entered the door, she saw Gao Qian standing with her back on the side of the bed, her eyes dodging a little, Shi Qingguo stepped on the floor with her bare feet, lying on the bed with her head up, holding her belly with a sad face and gasping for breath.
At Shi Qingguo's feet, there was a water glass that should have been on the bedside table. Fortunately, it was a thermos, not glass, and it was not broken, but the lid of the glass had been knocked out a long way, and the water in the glass spilled all over the floor.
I don't know why, but I always feel that the atmosphere is a bit awkward.
Fang Xiang coughed lightly, glanced at Shi Qingguo who was sweating from the pain, thought it over, and decided to ask Gao Qian first.
"When did you come back? It's rare to come back, and you didn't say to call me, it hurts."
Gao Qian also acted as if she hadn't noticed Shi Qingguo who was hissing on the bed at all, she adjusted the broken hair on her temples a little, and replied calmly: "I came back in the morning, and I went to my father's place to have a look, and then Come here."
"Oh...that's it." Fang Xiang nodded, then raised his chin at Shi Qingguo who was on the bed, and said with a smile, "You guys continue talking, and I'll come get some clothes. Liu Yulin is hospitalized, and I have to take care of her for two days .”
Saying that, without waiting for a reply, he backed out, and even closed the door for them.
There was nothing at all, so she tidied it up casually, and she stood in the living room and yelled again: "I'm leaving first, call me later."
After all, he opened the apartment door and wanted to leave.
As soon as she took a step, the bedroom door opened. Gao Qian chased after her and shouted, "Wait for me, I'll go too."
"Huh?" Fang Xiang was taken aback, holding the doorknob and looking back at her, and Shi Qingguo who was chasing after her behind her clutching her belly, "Didn't you just come here? Stay a little longer."
Gao Qian shook her head, "I'm on a plane at 07:30, I'm in a hurry."
Fang Xiang glanced at Shi Qingguo's smoky eye sockets, and persuaded: "It's a rare trip, why are you in such a hurry to go back? Stay for two more days."
Gao Qian shook her head again, "There is an important meeting the day after tomorrow, so I don't know if I can make preparations in time when I go back."
"Is that so..."
Gao Qian pushed Fang Xiang out of the door together, looked back before closing the door, and glanced at Shi Qingguo who wanted to stop but didn't dare to stop, wanted to cry but didn't dare to cry, only dared to bite her lip and looked at her without blinking.
Gao Qian sighed slightly, and raised her hand to rub Qing Guo's shoulder-length hair, which was still soft and fluffy.
"You say you love me, then prove it to me. The NYIP in M country can be said to be the number one in the world in photography. If you can pass the exam with your own ability, I can..."
"Can what?"
Shi Qingguo grabbed Gao Qian's arm, and her small single eyelids instantly shone like stars.
Gao Qian slightly turned her eyes away, not looking at her, let alone Fang Xiang, and said calmly, "I can consider giving you a chance."
Although the addition of the word "consideration" is a bit of a disappointment, to the desperate Shi Qingguo, it is like the last oasis she saw before dying of thirst. Even if it is just a mirage, it is enough for her to fight for it with all her life.
"I will! I will definitely! Give me two years, and I will pass the exam!"
"Okay, I'll wait and see."
Gao Qian pulled Fang Xiang to turn around and leave, until the elevator door opened, and then waved her hand at Shi Qingguo, who followed her all the way while supporting her belly, without looking back.
"Stop sending it away, go back."
Shi Qingguo muttered, took a step, and finally stopped.
"Then, be careful on the road."
"Ah."
When Gao Qian entered the elevator, Shi Qingguo desperately opened her blushing eyes wide, as if she wanted to make the memory more and more blurred, and then more and more clear, so that she couldn't tell whether she remembered it or not, and completely imprinted it in the depths of her mind. .
Rumbling--
The elevator door closed slowly, and the person she could never get rid of from the bottom of her heart completely disappeared behind the cold elevator door.
"Gao Qian!!!"
"I will definitely pass the exam!!!"
"You wait for me!!! You must wait for me!!!"
There was a muffled knock on the door above his head.
Fang Xiang suddenly wanted to cry, she turned to look at Gao Qian, but saw that she was still calm, as if she had heard nothing and saw nothing.
"Gao Xi."
"Ok?"
"You, why did you come back suddenly? Who told you about your dad's operation?"
When the first floor arrived, Gao Qian stepped out of the elevator first.
"My brother, cousin, uncle's family, I accidentally met on the Internet the day before yesterday, and asked me if country M was very profitable, and wanted to join me. I said it was not easy, it was very hard, and he felt that I was lying to him. Said, my dad spent hundreds of thousands for liver replacement and I can easily afford it. How could he not make money? He even scolded me as a family. gone."
When it was mentioned that she was from her uncle's family, Fang Xiang was suddenly filled with righteous indignation.
"Where does he have the face to say such a thing? He didn't dare to ask your uncle to come over for a match. He was too far away even to visit the doctor. He ran over for a face-to-face and went to the Forbidden City with your cousin. Is this kind of person considered a family member? How big is his face, and it’s all calculated by kilometer?"
Gao Qian obviously didn't know this, she turned her eyes to look at her, then turned back, and continued walking along the path.
"It's normal for people to be indifferent these days."
Fang Xiang didn't think it was normal for Uncle Gao Qian's family to be weird, but everyone had different personalities and different life circumstances, so their feelings were naturally very different.
毕竟方想她妈虽然也经常一生气就揍她，可都是小打小闹，其实本质还是很疼她的，刘爸虽那么对待过她和刘余琳，可出发点也是爱，而她周围的人, although each has its faults, but it can be regarded as sincere, or she is slow and can't see the indifference.
She hesitated for a moment and asked, "Then you are forgiving Shi Qingguo?"
Gao Qian didn't look sideways, "I've forgiven you a long time ago."
"Then... are you going to start over with her?"
"We never started, so how can we start again?"
Today's Gao Qian spoke a little aggressively, but Fang wanted to understand. She let out a breath, but still couldn't hold back and asked again: "Then you...are you really planning to accept her, or are you coaxing her for her future?"
Putting her hands in the windbreaker pockets, Gao Qian tightened her arms, raised her head and let out a long sigh, her expression finally relaxed a little.
"The moment I heard that Shi Qingguo donated a liver to my father, I knew that I would never run away in this life."
Fang Xiang also sighed with her, "Then do you like her?"
"like."
Before she finished speaking, Gao Qian added another sentence: "The kind of liking of a younger sister, the kind of liking of a friend, in short, it is not the kind of liking of love."
Fang Xiang was surprised, and immediately stopped in his tracks, "Then why did you tell her that?"
Gao Qian took two more steps before stopping, and looked back at her. The sun in the distance broke through the clouds, and shot out a few rays of golden warm light behind her, casting a circle of dazzling light marks on her, In the traces of light, her beautiful peach-blossom eyes flashed finely, moving with a deep meaning that Fang Xiang couldn't understand.
"What is love? The shelf life of love is only three years. After three years, almost all love will deteriorate, but some become more reliable family ties, some become friendship, and some simply part ways. Since the results are all Same, is it that important whether it was love or something in the first place?"
Speaking of it this way, it seems quite reasonable, but Fang Xiang still feels that something is wrong.
"But... If you don't love her, can you really be with her for the rest of your life? Don't you feel pain? "
Gao Qian chuckled, "I didn't say I don't love her, I just can't have that kind of desire for her, or I can't have that kind of desire for a woman. The biggest difference between love and other love is whether there is Primal impulse? Because I don't, so I say I'm not in love, but that doesn't mean I don't love her."
Fang Xiang was a little confused, "I'm confused."
Gao Qian leaned forward and took her arm, pulling her forward.
"Just be confused if you are confused. I am actually quite confused. All I know is that I am reluctant to hurt her again, and I will never find someone who loves me more than her. This is enough."
"But..." Fang Xiang was a little embarrassed to say, "But, that kind of thing is also very important, a lifetime is very long, can it be okay if you don't do that kind of thing?"
"I didn't say no."
"what?"
In this short period of time, Gao Qian made Fang Xiang's already confused mind even more confused.
"Didn't you just say that you can't have that kind of primitive impulse towards her?"
Gao Qian nodded.
"Yeah, that's right, I don't like her touching me, or rather, I don't like being touched, not just her, everyone is the same, maybe... I was often abused by my father when I was a child, and I also have no idea.
However, I have no problem touching her, and I think it's interesting to see how she tries to endure but just can't bear it.
In fact, as long as she doesn't touch places that shouldn't be touched, I don't hate being touched by her occasionally, um... sometimes it feels good.
In short, I will make three chapters with her in the future, and I will take the lead in everything. She is absolutely not allowed to touch my minefield, and the rest can be considered, so that all problems can be solved easily. "
The more Fang Xiang listened, the more he felt that Gao Qian's words were very problematic. It didn't seem like he was not interested in Shi Qingguo, but he was clearly very interested!
Gao Qian couldn't be slower than her, right?
"Gao Xi."
"Ok?"
"Have you ever heard the term 'General Attack'?"
Gao Qian was startled, "What? What do you mean?"
Fang Xiang smiled and shook his head, "It's nothing, just think it over."
Gao Qian seemed to be in a better mood after talking so heartily. She took Fang Xiang's arm and suddenly asked, "Are you reconciled with Liu Yulin?"
Fang Xiang froze for a moment, glanced at the big and small bags in his hand, and turned his eyes back to her with a slight smile.
"Yes, reconciled."
Gao Qian was also quite curious, "How did you reconcile?"
Fang Xiang raised her head and looked at the warm sun that had completely broken through the clouds. It was obviously far less than Xia Ri's arrogance, but it still made her unable to open her eyes.
She turned her eyes to look at Gao Qian, raised her lips and smiled, the pearl was dizzy, and the beautiful jade fluoresced, as bright as the warm sun breaking through the clouds.
"As you said, I don't want her to be sad anymore, and I can't find someone who loves me more than her, and...the person who has secretly loved me for so many years, why not reconcile?"
Gao Qian nodded thoughtfully, and suddenly remembered: "What's wrong with Liu Yulin? Why is she hospitalized?"
Fang wanted to poke her with his elbow, and joked, "What kind of friend are you? You only thought of asking when the day lily was cold."
Gao Qian rubbed her chest and said with a smile: "Heartache is more terrible than physical injury. Of course I have to ask her how her heartache is."
"Okay, you're right, let me tell you, Liu Yulin is so stupid, she can't even walk well for such an adult, give herself to..."
Fang Xiang walked out of the community with Gao Qian talking and laughing, before waiting to hail a taxi, Gao Qian suddenly patted the windbreaker pocket.
"Do you have cash with you? I came in a hurry and didn't pay attention to changing the money. If you want cash, lend me some first."
Fang Xiang took out her wallet, which contained only 500 yuan. She was used to mobile payment and never had much cash.
"Is five hundred enough?" She took out all of them and handed them to her.
Gao Qian didn't answer, "Not enough, at least two thousand."
"Then how much is your Alipay account? I'll transfer it to you."
"I don't use Alipay abroad, so it's long gone."
"Oh..." Fang Xiang pondered for a moment, looked around and pointed, "There's an ATM over there, I'll get some for you."
"Okay, let's go together."
Gao Qian asked for two thousand, and Fang Xiang took three thousand for it. A little extra would never go wrong.
"Bon Voyage."
"Thank you."
Watching Gao Qian's taxi leave, before Fang Xiang could turn around and go to her bus stop sign, the phone ding-dong and received a text message.
【××银行：××年1月9日17:27您尾号689账户转入金额400000.00元，余额××元。】
40? ! ! !
Before Fang Xiang could react, another text message came in.
[My dad’s matter, thank you, the extra [-] is a kindness, and I also want you to help me take care of Shi Qingguo, she has such a major operation, it’s not good to eat takeaway, my mother has to go back to her hometown to take care of me Dad, you can't count on it, and Shi Qingguo's family can't count on it even more, I can only ask you, it doesn't need to be troublesome, just let her go to your house for a meal once in a while. 】
Fang Xiang sighed slightly and turned back to her.
[Does this still need to be said?She is also my friend now, so don't worry, but I only want my 30, and I don't want the extra. Send me your bank card number. 】
This news... came to nothing.
Call again, it's turned off.
Alright, Gao Qian, count yourself as cruel!
But the bank transfer speed is too fast, right?
After sending Gao Qian back to the hospital, it was almost seven o'clock, and when she opened the door, she met Liu Yulin's anxious eyes. Seeing her come back, the anxiety dissipated instantly, and her eyes were as bright as stars.
"You are here! Why are you so slow?"
Fang Xiang took a breath, and gave her a warm smile, with extreme tenderness in the depths of his eyes.
She stepped forward and put down the big and small bags in her hand.
"Didn't I go to Shi Qingguo's house just now? Guess who I met?"
"Who?"
"Gao Xi."
"Gao Qian?!"
"Yeah, surprise, right? I'm surprised too."
"Did she know about the surgery?"
"Well, let me tell you..."
"Huh? I didn't expect..."
"and also……"
"..."
……
After dinner, Liu Yulin went to bed early. She didn't sleep well last night, got up early in the morning, and waited for her all afternoon in anxiety. Coupled with the headache, she couldn't hold it anymore.
Fang Xiang hugged her face to face, looked at the face in his arms that he hadn't gotten tired of seeing for more than 20 years, lowered his eyes and kissed her lightly.
Kiss her smooth forehead.
Hope she has good dreams.
Kiss her thin eyelids.
Hope she won't cry anymore.
Kiss her slightly pouty lips.
I hope that decades later, she can still hold her like this and kiss her wrinkled face...
In this life, there will always be someone, it may be your parents, it may be your other half, it may be your children or friends, no matter how much she has done to you, you will always be unable to bear it. Please forgive her.
It's not because you're cowardly, and it's not because you're mean and indulge her, it's just because...
She loves you so deeply that you are deeply trapped in it. You are poisoned by her. You can't quit, you can't escape, there is no way to escape, and you can only be happy if you accept it.
Gao Qian is the same, and she... is also the same.
——End of the book——
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