glass fish tank

Chapter 57

Mu Ning tossed and turned at home and couldn't fall asleep, he felt very embarrassed.And feel ashamed.

From today on, he will no longer believe a word Zhuang Yao said, and will no longer feel uneasy about his occasional fragility.He wants to leave this person forever.

For a long time, Mu Ning had thousands of reasons to leave Zhuang Yao, but deep in his heart, he never gave up looking for the only reason, that is: Zhuang Yao also loves him.

If Zhuang Yao also loves him, all the reasons why he can't, doesn't want to, dare not dare will all be turned into ashes immediately.

He only needed that one reason, but Zhuang Yao never gave it to him for ten years.

Give it to him again, and now I don't want it anymore.

The cemetery is not open at night, this is their rule.But Zhuang Yao was very persistent, so he made an exception and allowed Chang Yanyun to be buried at night.The wind in the middle of the night was fierce and biting, Zhuang Yao wanted to burn incense for Chang Yanyun, but the lighter failed to light up several times, and the sparks almost set his cashmere scarf on fire.

The staff of the cemetery wanted to do it for them, but Zhuang Yao stopped them.The staff had no choice but to stand aside with their hands tied, quietly watching this rich but eccentric man trying to light the three incense sticks in his hand over and over again.

He is very stubborn, the wind blows from all directions, the palm is full of holes, but he keeps hitting.His deep black coat blended with the dark night, the wind whimpered and blew through his temples, and the sound of every lighter rubbing could be heard clearly in the surroundings.

"Sir..." The staff couldn't stand it any longer, so they changed their positions and said, "I'll stand here to block you."

"Thank you," he said.

After finally lighting the incense, the staff placed the urn in the sunken space in front of the tombstone.

"Any relics?"

Zhuang Yao put Chang Yanyun's personal items brought from the hospital on the urn.

"Closed if nothing else."

Zhuang Yao responded with difficulty.

The wind howled, and the staff left a light in the corner of the tombstone.

Zhuang Yao half-kneeled in front of the tomb, unable to get up for a long time.

In the early morning, the doorbell of Mu Ning's house rang.

Zhuang Yao stood at the door, his short short hair covering his eyebrows.His chin was covered with blue stubble, and his eyes were black and blue, as if he hadn't slept for a long time.

Mu Ning rarely saw Zhuang Yao like this, he looked very sad.

"What are you here for?"

"I missed the appointment today." Zhuang Yao said, "I'm here to apologize."

Mu Ning dodged his eyes for a moment, and said, "I didn't go."

Zhuang Yao smiled wryly: "Really? That's fine too."

After leaving the cemetery, Zhuang Yao found that he didn't know where to go.Of course he could go home—but the home was deserted like another cemetery belonging to the widows, and he couldn't go there now.His body was covered with flying dust and wind in the cemetery, the world around him was heavy and cold, and the night was so long that it seemed that he would never give the sky to the sun again.

He left the cemetery as if fleeing, started the car, and drove aimlessly on the quiet street in the middle of the night.

When he was studying at university in London, he and Xie Lin often drove through the cracks in the city like this.December in London is not as dry and cold as in Beijing, and the humid mist in the sea breeze will brush their cheeks like silk soaked in water.They laughed and made noise, stopped everywhere, and lay on the roof of the car outside Hyde Park to look at the unreachable starry sky together.The world is sparse, but they are not lonely.

In a blink of an eye, it has been nearly 20 years.He is no longer the boy who can find a moment of peace in his heart just by hiding in a corner of the world.He had to accept and face what he didn't want to face, the true self and the cruel reality.

—he was alone.

Zhuang Yao stared deeply at Mu Ning's face.

Zhuang Yao always felt that he liked Mu Ning because of Mu Ning's beauty.Is that true?He thought this relationship was a vortex formed by their wrestling and seeking each other.His boat passed by, carefully avoiding the possibility of sinking, just like dealing with other rocks and wind and waves.

But on the night when he lost his mother, when he had thousands of unspeakable words, guilt and pain, secrets that had been buried in his heart for a long time but suddenly turned up in his heart, when there was nowhere to confide in, all he thought of was Mu Ning .

This vortex is silent, not as turbulent as the sea waves, and it is not like the eye of the storm is always surrounded by lightning and thunder.He would just silently take the boat to the bottomless sea.

"Muning." Zhuang Yao hoarsely called his name repeatedly.

"What happened?" Mu Ning really put aside the mental preparations that he had been brainwashing himself half an hour ago, he was very afraid that something would happen to Zhuang Yao.

Zhuang Yao hugged Mu Ning into his arms.

"I...Muning, I really..." He muttered, organizing his words.He is a very talkative person. In terms of negotiation ability, lobbying ability, and communication ability, Zhuang Yao, who has been immersed in business and officialdom for many years, will not lose to anyone.But at this moment, when he really needs to express something like never before, his tongue and throat seem to be clamped by something.

He couldn't speak.

Because of the belated confirmation and the unresolved desire that must be him, in fact, the opportunity to speak out has long been missed.

"I'm sorry." He said finally.

"What's wrong with you?" Mu Ning asked, "You're not quite right."

Zhuang Yao tightened his arms around Mu Ning, and the youth's emaciated collarbone was embedded in his chest, but Zhuang Yao felt that this hug was more intimate than all the contacts they had in those years when they seemed to be apart.

"In the hospital that day, you saw my mother. She... passed away." Zhuang Yao's voice came in a low voice. He tried his best to make his tone calm and gentle, but he still couldn't stop mentioning the word "mother". Trembling uncontrollably.

Mu Ning was taken aback. He met Chang Yanyun once in the hospital that day. At that time, he saw that she looked good, but unexpectedly...

Even though Mu Ning has never seen Zhuang Yao like this, based on his ten years of understanding of this man, he can hear that Zhuang Yao is on the verge of collapse.He couldn't push Zhuang Yao away.

"Come in and talk." Mu Ning gently stroked Zhuang Yao's slightly bent back, and patted him gently. "I'll get you something to drink."

Mu Ning is not as elegant as Zhuang Yao, and he only found a bottle of whiskey that he bought in the year of the monkey.Mu Ning put a few pieces of ice, filled it half full, and handed it to Zhuang Yao.He found a can of beer from the refrigerator, took it and sat down opposite the sofa.

Zhuang Yao looked at the whiskey with ice in a daze: "You never drink this, why do you keep it at home?"

Mu Ning smiled, he thought he must have bought it for Zhuang Yao's occasional visits in the past, but Zhuang Yao never came.

"It's not important anymore." Mu Ning said.

It really doesn't matter.Mu Ning felt that it was impossible to be able to sit face to face with Zhuang Yao now, talk on an equal footing, like an old friend for many years.

There is no such thing as a mature and peaceful breakup with someone who is in love, or who has loved unilaterally and passionately.Even if Mu Ning and Zhuang Yao's breakup is a meal, a decision.No one shed tears, and the other party didn't hold back either.

But after breaking up, they are still entangled with each other's lives.Mu Ning really wanted to tell Zhuang Yao that he thought it would be good to be an acquaintance and friend like this in the future.Putting aside his past and past, Zhuang Yao is an excellent senior, a guiding light that will never go out when he floats on the ocean of eternal night.

Mu Ning found that he had found his own place where he could truly live in peace with Zhuang Yao.

"Tell me." Mu Ning said, meaning to listen.

"I left China when I was 16 and went to study in London alone. At the airport, she and the driver at home came to see me off. I knew she was my biological mother at that time, but I didn't recognize her. I ran away." Zhuang Yao Burying these in the bottom of my heart, I talked about the past that no one except Lu Lin knew: "Didn't you always ask me why I don't have a family. Because I never felt that I belonged to that family."

"Where's your father?" Mu Ning asked.

"He doesn't care." Zhuang Yao replied, "In this world, he only cares about his own face."

"But your mother loves you very much."

Zhuang Yao's brows were furrowed, and his headache was about to split.He probably hasn't closed his eyes for dozens of hours, but all his senses are more sensitive than ever.He looked at Mu Ning and replied, "She loves me very much, but I can't love her like she loves me."

"After going to England, I seldom go back to China, let alone go home often. As before, she has been working as an aunt at home in order to see me. But I will not attend eight out of ten family dinners. I am For a few days, I often imagined: She was busy all day, cooked more than a dozen dishes, and finally stood at the door of the kitchen, wanting to take a look at me from a distance, but found that I was not at the table at all..."

Zhuang Yao didn't say any more, this overwhelming guilt fell heavily on his shoulders, and he couldn't get rid of it.

"I don't understand." Mu Ning asked, "Why are you running away?"

Zhuang Yao knew why he was running away.Chang Yanyun loved him from the beginning to the end, but he pretended not to know it and hid it, for fear that the self who had accepted that love would be stripped of the golden coating all over his body in the next second.Even if he really needs that love and attention.He was also afraid that after the glitz faded away, what was left would not be the powerful chairman of Juheng Group, nor the youngest son of a powerful banker.

Just a broken and pathetic man.Even if that was his true self.

"Zhuang Yao, she won't blame you." Mu Ning said, "I don't know her well, but I think all she wants is for you to be happy. So, don't blame yourself anymore. Only you are with her."

"That's not enough." Zhuang Yao said.

"It's already much more than she expected."

Chang Yanyun wanted her son to not bear the reputation of being an illegitimate child, and to grow up proudly.So she didn't say anything, and hoped that Zhuang Yao would never know.But Zhuang Yao was smarter and more sensitive than she thought.He couldn't find his place, so he chose to exile himself.It wasn't until the old age that I learned to live with and reconcile with the part of my life that I rejected.

"Thank you." Zhuang Yao took off his disguise in front of Mu Ning for the first time, not as he thought, but relieved. "I used to...not treat you well."

Mu Ning smiled and said, "It's not that you treat me badly, you just don't love me."

Zhuang Yao hesitated to speak.

"Forget it, let's not talk about the past." Mu Ning clinked glasses with him, "Happy birthday to you, and hope that your sorrow will change."

Zhuang Yao knew that he should not disturb Mu Ning's life anymore.He can have a resting bay when he is most vulnerable, and he doesn't want to destroy this moment of peace.

"Recently dealing with my mother's affairs, I don't have time to go to the film crew. Is everything going well?" Zhuang Yao asked.

"It went well." Mu Ning raised his eyes, looked at Zhuang Yao's sluggish but strained face inquiringly, and asked, "Why do you care so much about this drama?"

Zhuang Yao said: "Because the script was written by my best friend."

Mu Ning's eyes lit up: "Who is it? Can I meet? I have made some notes on the script, and I want to ask some questions..."

"You can't see it." Zhuang Yao said with a smile, "He passed away many years ago."

Mu Ning let out an "ah" and quickly apologized, "I'm sorry."

Zhuang Yao waved his hand, raised his glass and drank it down.

The two talked less and drank more.Mu Ning became addicted to cigarettes, couldn't help taking two puffs, and handed Zhuang Yao one as well.The two people in the living room were relatively speechless, swallowing clouds and fog.Time passed minute by minute.

I don't know how much to drink, Mu Ning went to the kitchen to cut a plate of fruit, and then went back to the living room to find that Zhuang Yao had collapsed on the sofa and fell asleep.

Mu Ning thought to himself, I really took you in because I thought you were pitiful.At the same time, he went to the bedroom and hugged the quilt to cover him.

Zhuang Yao is different from before.Sitting next to the sofa, Mu Ning stared at the man's handsome and sharp jawline. He always kept his image clean and tidy, but even though his hairstyle was a messy pile of chicken coops, and the stubble grew wildly with negligence, he was still the same. very nice.

Mu Ning didn't know which Zhuang Yao he liked better.This one appeared at the wrong time.But Zhuang Yao, who was indifferent and aloof before, couldn't tell himself what was on his mind.

He sighed.Apart from not loving him, this man really couldn't fault him anywhere.But fortunately, now, he has also found someone who loves him.

……

Lin Jiayang flew to Shanghai at nine o'clock in the morning, and at seven o'clock, he passed by Mu Ning's house on the way to the airport, and decided to meet up.

I don't know if it was because of Mu Ning's previous relationship, but he showed a complete understanding of Lin Jiayang.But Lin Jiayang felt that he didn't care about himself enough.This conflicting mentality made him urgently want to find Mu Ning and make it clear in person.He can try to turn down the job, but he hopes that Munning can properly express his needs.Don't always think of yourself as an outsider.

Lin Jiayang stood outside Mu Ning's house, waiting for him to open the door. After a while, it was not Mu Ning, but Zhuang Yao who opened the door.

Lin Jiayang was stunned outside the door.