fallen star

Chapter 30 Fucking Love

When we arrived at school, Chen Jiatong was lying on the bed, fell asleep with his shoes on, and Song Kai’s painting bag was there, but he wasn’t there, so I put the Coke on the table and prepared to help him take off his shoes

"Hey, you're back~" He sat up, rubbed his eyes, then suddenly remembered something, and said, "I found something strange!"

"What's the matter?" I sat on the stool and lit a cigarette. "How weird?"

He climbed out of bed, picked up the drink on the table under Song Kai's bed and said, "I suspect that Song Kai's illness is caused by drinking this!" He held the drink close to my nose for me to smell, and I pushed it away

"It's a good carbonated drink, but it smells like medicine?" He said, "I arrived at [-]:[-]. I was thirsty and almost drank it. Fortunately, I smelled it as soon as my nose cleared up."

"Do you suspect?" I smelled it, and there was indeed a smell of medicine. "Someone put medicine in his drink? Isn't it a day or two?"

He snapped his fingers, "That's right! Let's go to Auntie~"

In the corridor, he turned his head while going down the stairs and said to me, "Don't rush to ask auntie when you get down to the small shop, just look at this drink, buy a bottle and smell it~" He said, and I nodded in cooperation

But when I got to my aunt, he and I were dumbfounded. There was no drink like Song Qi in the small shop, only Sprite, Coca-Cola and Pepsi.

"What are you looking for?" Auntie saw that he and I were standing in front of the container in a daze, so she asked us, "Do you want a drink? What I just bought today? Is there nothing you want?"

"Auntie, why don't you have that ××× here?" Chen Jiatong asked, and Auntie was unhappy

"Do you want to be like that boy Song Qi? You never buy drinks from me and go out all the way to buy them." If it’s not good to drink, I simply won’t drink that kind of drink~”

In the evening, Chen Jiatong and I went out of school and walked a long way. There was no such drink in the small shops along the way, only some were closed. I don’t know, probably not, and I don’t know where he bought it.

"Is this kid crazy? Drinking such an unpopular drink, go to Baidu to check if there is any news about drinking this drink..."

The result is no, there are only some comments about this drink, which are generally not good, the price is high, and nothing happened.

"It's best not to have anything to do, let's see you tomorrow~" After finishing speaking, the two of us entered the Internet cafe after a few steps. As long as there is an alliance in our hearts, every night is a night of fighting

I went to the front desk to swipe my ID card, I was still taking out my wallet, Chen Jiatong pushed my shoulder

"What's the matter? You want me to go online again? Or drink?" I looked up, and he was staring intently at the container behind the bar, looking in the direction he pointed, and the bottle of drink was there...

"Boss, help me get two bottles of that drink~" Chen Jiatong pointed to the bottle of drink and said to the boss, the boss looked at us and brought two bottles over, then lowered his head and continued to help us swipe our ID cards

Chen Jiatong took the drink, opened it and took a sip. The boss looked up at him and continued to lower his head. Chen Jiatong gave me a wink and asked me to help him get his ID card, and then went to the toilet

After entering the private room, Chen Jiatong spat several mouthfuls of saliva, "I knew there was something wrong, but luckily I didn't swallow it." He said, and I gave him a thumbs up

"Then what should we do now? There is no medicine to cure him. His parents will be so sad to know that he came to Nanchang and became like this."

"I don't know either. Let's ask Lao Hu tomorrow. We can't do anything about this kind of thing~" As soon as Chen Jiatong finished speaking, the owner of the Internet cafe came in with two bottles of Red Bull in his hand.

He looked at the drinks on the table and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, little brother, this drink has expired and you can't drink it. You haven't drunk much, have you?" That's what he said, but everyone knew it in his heart

I shook my head, "It's a good thing I didn't drink it, thank you boss for reminding~" Then I changed a bottle for him

"It's okay, it's quite delicious, keep it~" Chen Jiatong pressed the drink and said, "It didn't taste strange, it won't kill you~"

The boss couldn’t say anything, but he also put the Red Bull on the table and left the box. I think he ignored me and pulled me in the game.

"Hurry up, why are you hesitating? Are you afraid that I will take you to the top?"

In this way, the two of us still played the game all night. Although we lost all night, we laughed all night. If we can’t beat it, we will give it away, teleport it, flash it, and all kinds of fancy acting. According to Chen Jiatong’s words Say, we've hit the true meaning of the game, just be happy...

Before leaving, Chen Jiatong stuffed the drink into his pocket and said, "You were stupid last night, if the boss really took it away, we would have no evidence at all~"

"Then do I still have a chance now?" Chen Jiatong walked in front of me, and suddenly asked me this question, "Is it because my cousin is not here, I have a chance... What you said before..."

It's really cold outside, the snow has melted, and there is snow all the way. I don't know how to answer, and I really don't want to answer his question. I have to admit that it is still difficult for me to walk out. I covered my collar and continued walking. He Looking back at me, I avoid his eyes and look at the ground

"You still don't want to accept me... right?" Then asked "Did you never like me?"

It’s a heart-wrenching sentence, isn’t it, even I don’t know it, I like it, but... I couldn’t accept it before, but now I don’t want to accept it, isn’t it bad to do so?

"I'm sorry... don't waste your time with me, I don't want to talk about it in the future~" He stopped suddenly, and I stopped too, looking up at him, he was looking at me, there was still a glimmer of light in his eyes, that It's tears, isn't it?

"I thought it was just right for me to come back~" He said again, "But why did you treat me like this? Did I do something wrong? Or the steps are wrong? I really like you and want to be with you, I I don't know... Do you care about my feelings or don't care about my feelings, is it really that difficult to accept me?"

"I just think it's unfair to you. To me, you just need to remember to be unfaithful a hundred times~" I have already decided to leave him completely. It is still difficult to make this decision, but it is better for him. Just say "I don't want me to be thinking about your cousin when I'm with you, will that make you feel better?"

"But if you keep rejecting me, will I feel better? Please! Please! Just this time, let it be okay?" He opened his hands, I shook my head, he put his hands down again, and his whole body felt powerless. There I walked past him to school

I still have to say sorry to you, I still can't get together with you, I delayed you

Go back to school and start packing up. I don’t want to stay here anymore. I won’t take the school exams. If I stay in this place for one more day, the memories will only be more painful. Every object in this school reminds me that Ouyang exists here. Yes, what have I been through with him?

Song Qi's girlfriend saw me again, he came to find Song Qi, but he was not there

"Can you tell me now? What happened between you and Ouyang? So you are completely out of the game now?" The corners of her mouth slightly turned up, like a smile that wasn't a smile

"He cheated, and I didn't do anything wrong~" I closed the suitcase. "It was him who was wrong, and he was the one who came to ask for forgiveness. I don't like it. Who is to blame?"

Chatted with her for a while, saying it was a heart-to-heart talk, but she brought out the sadness deep in my heart out of control, I still shed tears, I said I don't need him anymore, but I still miss him inexplicably, I said he was like a star in the sky, he said that he fell beside me and would never let me be alone again, but everything I have now is given by him

"Hey, don't be sad~ There are so many good men in the world, you will always meet the next one who is better than Ouyang and who doesn't cheat! You have to believe it!" She clenched her fists to express her encouragement, but I was very sad

"I..." I asked her, "Do you think it's useful for me to go on like this?"

"Which one?" She asked me "Like men?"

I nodded, "Should I be a normal person?"

"Just do whatever you want to be happy. How can you live your life?" He added, "And now... you are alone, and you don't have the worries of your family. You can live a more exciting life, can't you?"

"But I'm not happy like this at all, just like what one of my sisters said: I always wanted to be different from others, but when I was really different from others... I couldn't be proud~ "

She patted me on the shoulder, "It's okay. I can't resist loneliness alone. Chen Jiatong is also very good. He is also pretty handsome, and he is also good at painting. You need to be handsome and tall. Boyfriend His strength is also overwhelming, he is very good in every aspect~"

"No~" I shook my head, "I've been hurting him since he first came, so I don't want to hurt him any more. He's a good guy, and I like him too, but... I've already diverged from him, I can’t go back, and I don’t have the courage to face the future~”

As soon as I finished speaking, Chen Jiatong opened the door. He stood at the door with his hand still on the doorknob, and said, "Yes, you are right. I should reflect on it. Thank you~" After finishing speaking, he closed the door again. came to the door and left

After the door was closed again, the air in the dormitory froze, and an indescribably sad atmosphere rushed over from all directions, hitting me like invisible waves. This was the result of my waiting, what I hoped for In the end, when I got it, my heart was dragged down by a big rock

"Um... Maybe you should do the thing right now... After all, culture is the most important..." Song Kai's girlfriend was already awkwardly incoherent, and said, "Maybe he's just talking out of anger~ Men are big pigs Don't take what you say, Hoof, to your heart~"

Then Song Kai's girlfriend also left, and I was the only one left in the dormitory. I lit a cigarette, took a puff but choked on it, and then extinguished it. bag, I left school with the suitcase, and I may never have the chance to see him and see them again

I didn't call Didi immediately after leaving school, but just wandered aimlessly on the street. Everything that happened in the past two months was kept circulating in my mind frame by frame, as if I was afraid I would forget it. It makes me uncomfortable, including Ouyang, Da Mo, Chen Jiatong, Song Qi, Wu Chaofan~they... I have only been here for less than a year, like I have spent my youth all over again

Later, I didn’t know if my brain was short-circuited. I saw the air ticket on Meituan for no reason. I bought a special ticket at 07:30 the next morning and transferred to the subway to Changbei.

"I won't let you be alone anymore~" Ouyang's words suddenly appeared in his mind, and he couldn't get rid of it. I still remember the small box that I secretly buried with him by the Qinghai Lake. I pulled it hard He made it, and there are two sheets of paper in it, one is written by me, the other is written by him, I don’t know what he wrote, I suddenly want to read it

Open the mobile phone WeChat, click into the chat interface with Chen Jiatong, it shows that the other party is typing... But after waiting for half an hour, I still haven't sent me a word, and it keeps showing that the other party is typing...

When I arrived at the terminal, Shuanggang, I sent him "???" and then it disappeared while I was typing, which is also a neuropathy

Maybe it’s because I’m used to saving money. I’m reluctant to go to a hotel, so I found an Internet cafe and just made do with it all night. It’s still far from the airport, so I had to take a taxi there early in the morning. This also made me sleep all the way. boring

The plane landed and went to the bus station, and arrived at the Qinghai Lake scenic spot at one o'clock in the afternoon. Because of the off-season of tourism, there were no two people at a glance. The whiteness everywhere was so beautiful that the lake was still so clear, but there were no such people anymore. , I yelled "Fuck your love! I don't need it!"

After searching for a long time, I still found it. It’s just a little strange... It seems that someone dug it up when I peeled off the snow. Don’t ask why, it’s just a feeling. I just found a dead branch and dug up the frozen soil. It took it out and couldn't wait to open it cautiously... It was really dug up. It turned out that the two scrolls now have one more. Is it Ouyang?

Open the paper that was rolled into a circle, it was really left by Ouyang

Letter to Xiaofan:

Li Jifan, you probably won’t read this letter, or maybe you have already started a new life when you read this letter, but I hope you don’t continue to be sad, I don’t have much time, and now I just want to send me Write down what I haven’t said to you here, I hope you can see it, and I hope you will never see it, things have already happened, I didn’t listen to you when I ate that meal, and I drank wine, and it turned out that the wine was inside I was drugged, had sex with the lady they called in a daze, and was infected with AIDS. I regret it, but regret is useless

I am very happy every day with you. I urge you to go to bed early, supervise you to eat on time, and I am very satisfied to see your progress in painting every day. I also scold you for telling you to quit smoking. It makes me feel like you are My children also like you when you grow up, but now I can't go on with you anymore, it makes me feel like I'm trash, I want to protect you all the time, but even if you come out of the closet, I don't want to I can't do anything, I really want to give you a home, but now it can't be complete, when you read this letter, I hope you will go on strong, you still have a wonderful life waiting for you to experience

As for what happened that night, I also regret how stupid I was at the time. Yes, the only thing I can do now is to help myself get rid of the bad breath in my heart. They make you feel bad, and I won’t make them feel better, but I I chose the stupidest way. I understand that no matter whether that happened or not, we can’t go on. One day you will know that I only have you in my heart. The person I love the most in my life is you, and the person I love in the end is also you , I have no choice but to accompany you here

I have lived for almost 30 years, and it really passed by without knowing it, but you are a glimpse of my reckless life when I look up inadvertently. I am so lucky to meet you in my lifetime. I watched it on the first night of class To you, you were also looking at me at the time, and later you joked that I would be more jumpy in the crowd, I was so happy at the time, just to let you remember me, I fined you 50 for the first meeting Zhang Sushu, but I did it for your own good, didn’t I, and later I couldn’t bear to let you draw too late, so I ran to turn off the switch in the classroom. Now that I think about it, I was so stupid at the time, seeing you sitting in the classroom drawing alone, I Standing outside and watching secretly, I was seen several times, they said I was an idiot, I said I was supervising you and afraid that you would be lazy

I came here for the first time by car with you, only to find that this place is really beautiful. I didn’t have a good impression of the Northwest before. Later, I realized that it’s not what attracts me here. It’s because no matter where I go, with you by my side. It must be a good place, you pulled me like a child and insisted on burying this box, but as long as you are happy, I will do anything for you, when you read this letter, please remember it for me Live, be happy if you are still alive, don't disappoint my expectations of you

That's all for now, forgive me for my incoherent words, but there are still so many things I want to say that I can't finish writing. Thousands of words can be reduced to one or two sentences. Don't lose confidence in your relationship from now on. The world is more exciting than you imagined. I don’t expect your next one to look like me, as long as he has a loyal heart to love you like me

2016.12.20

Ouyang

……

Sitting on the snow all the time, reading the whole letter, crying while reading it, reading it over and over again, counting each word from beginning to end, my heart hurts

The snow is still falling. I left the lake area and walked to the commercial street. There are a few small bars. I entered a bar with soldiers. The inside is quite simple, but there is still a big screen. The guitarist and drummer are also there, but there are no customers. they are chatting

"Someone is coming!" The man who spoke was a man with long hair, dark skin, and standard facial features. He walked towards me and was about to greet me, but he suddenly froze.

"Why do people come here this day? It's so cold and full of balls?" Another person is slightly fat, leaning on the back of a stool, smoking a cigarette and reading guitar music

I was still wondering why the long-haired man was stunned. He approached me to confirm again, and asked me, "Where are you from?"

Me: "I'm from Jiangxi, to travel..."

He said, "That's good, your name is Li Jifan, right?"

"What?" The chubby man put down the guitar score in his hand after hearing my name. He must also be short-sighted, and slowly approached me with his eyes squinted, saying, "No way?"

Me: "My name is Li Jifan? How do you know my name is Li Jifan? I don't seem to know you?"

The long-haired man greeted me to sit down, and then poured me a glass of beer, "In our place~ beer is more expensive than any other alcohol, so I'll treat you today~" He turned on the computer and then the projector " I'll show you a video~"

The video started to play, and it was in this bar that I saw Ouyang. In the video, he was crying heartbroken, with one hand covering his eyes while leaning on a suffocating wine bottle, and pinching mine with the other. My picture, crying so sad, snot and saliva flowed out

"It was just over a month ago~ I forgot...Anyway, it was about a month," the long-haired man said, "At that time, this man was with us all night, holding your photo and crying like rain all the time. He keeps calling Li Jifan, Li Jifan, Li Jifan, the person he is calling is you~"

"Maybe it is~" I couldn't calm down any more, I cried in a mess

"I used to be so fucking disgusted with you gays!" He said, "Until I met him, I still have you today~" I didn't speak, and he asked me again, "Is it because women don't work well, or you guys are fine This mouth~"

The video continued to play, there were many people around Ouyang, they were all watching, Ouyang started to sing, it was the long-haired man who ordered it for him

"This song is given to everyone by this lovelorn friend. True love knows no gender or borders. I only hope that you who were born in China will be stronger and never be separated. A song "How are you now, dear?" for everyone"

"How are you now my dear"

from the day we parted

i never saw you again

We were innocent and happy back then

call me how can i forget

you often let me

play guitar and sing a song

those happy times

has become a memory

how are you now dear

i always think of you

how are you now dear

I can't forget you

how are you now dear

i still miss you

if one day we meet again

i will always cherish

"The MV of this song will be this after we come here~" I was still watching and crying, and the slightly fat man said, "The next door has also been copied, but I don't know if you agree or not?"

"It doesn't matter, it's fine!" I got up and prepared to leave

"Where are you going in this snowy day? Wait until the snow stops~" They wanted to keep me, but I shook my head and declined, "I'm going to get my true love back, no matter what he looks like now, Regardless of whether he is still alive or not, I will go find him and come back!"

Looking for a car in the face of heavy snow, but the road was frozen and there was no car