[Call for Papers] Fan Notes

Chapter 1 The Empty Room

Chapter 1: The Empty Room

Today is the 44th day since my mother passed away, and I am still alive like a walking dead.

In my memory, there seems to be no relatives in my family. Even when my mother died, in her will, only Uncle Li and I could attend her funeral. Her request was very simple, that is, to be buried in my father's Beside her, she is a person who doesn't like excitement.

On the days when my mother was sick, it was also the only day in these years that I didn't quarrel with her.I don't know if I am an unfilial son, or if my mother is not a good mother.In short, this family seems empty without my mother. Although my mother cried and told me when she was dying, she was not a good mother. She was sorry for my father, and even more sorry for me.I asked her why, but she didn't say, she just asked me to find my Uncle Li after she died.

I was silent, and it seemed that the invisible generation gap between me and my mother appeared as soon as Uncle Li was mentioned.But this time my mother cried even harder, saying that after she died, no matter what I chose, she would not blame me. The person she hated most in her life was herself, and she had no right to hate others.

My mother is dead, I don’t know if she died with peace in her eyes, she gave birth to a second husband who likes her like me, Uncle Li’s son, but in my memory, she and Uncle Li have never lived together, from childhood to adulthood As long as Uncle Li is at my house, I will always share the same bed with Uncle Li.

After Uncle Li knew that I liked him, he finally disappeared, and he didn’t even show up at my mother’s funeral. It’s just that I know he came back, and he even sat in my room. Did he kiss my forehead like he did when I was a child? I don't know.I just know that there were six more sticks of incense on the photo of my mother and father in the mourning hall that day, and the trash can in the room was filled with soot, and the only one who could enter the room was Uncle Li, and only he would have another key .

My mother happened to die on the day of my father's death. I don't know what this means, or does it mean that my mother loved my father until she died, and they wanted to be together even on the day of his death.

In the following few days I pretended to sleep late at night, but this could not change the reality of insomnia. The only sound in the huge room was the sound of the wind blowing through the window sill and the dripping water from the untightened faucet. They became the best music to accompany my insomnia. What are the incomplete pictures in memory.

When I'm doing nothing, I often look at my father and mother in the frame that can finally be together for a long time.My mother, who has been in my mind for more than ten years, is beautiful and calm like a lady, but because she fell in love with her father, she went on a wrong path, and even insisted on cutting off relations with her family. She died of old age in the room where she lived with her father. Even after she knew that I liked men, she didn't overly embarrass me. She just stared blankly at the photo of her father, asking if he came back?I couldn't help but smile bitterly that I was the reincarnation of my father. I even felt that people like my mother shouldn't believe in reincarnation. Besides, my father died after I was born.My mother ignored my question, and just said that she was talking to my father, and I had better not interfere.

My mother is a little mentally disturbed, but she loves me more than herself. She always gives me the love of both mother and father. Of course, the love of father will always come when she faces the black and white photo frame of father. exchange results.As for my father, the person who should have the most important status in my life, I only keep his appearance in the photo frame in my mind. What kind of mysterious ability does such an ordinary man have, which makes my mother fall in love with him? Waiting foolishly for a lifetime?If it is just for me, it can only be a lie to outsiders.

The sadness fades day by day with the death of my mother, but the longing grows stronger with the growing loneliness.Just this afternoon, the sunshine was surprisingly good, and it seemed that even the sky felt that there was too much sadness in my house. I sat alone on the threshold and looked at the loquat tree in the yard. It was planted by Uncle Li ten years ago. , when I was young, I always coughed, and I don’t know where he found a young sapling. A careless person like him actually planted the tree alive, and my bad coughing problem also came out in the second year. It's all right.

Seeing things is the easiest way to think about people. When my mother died, she told me to burn all the things she left behind.I don't know if Uncle Li will say that to me, let's burn all those memories about him by the way.The things he gave me on my birthday these years are all intact. If he wants me to burn all these things, will I burn myself too, because I feel that I am also something he gave me, and the other A gift for yourself.

Thinking of Gui Youguang's "Xiang Ji Xuan Zhi", "there is a loquat tree in the garden, which was planted by my wife when she died, and it is now as tall as a roof." The father I met was because of my dead mother, or because I planted trees for me but Uncle Li has disappeared.

I picked up the ax at home several times, trying to cut down the loquat tree, and even on a drunk night, I really took the ax and chopped it down, and now whenever I am not so addicted to missing, in When the yearning is clear, touching its scars, I often regret it.And when I can't extricate myself because of deep thinking, I often hate myself for not cutting it off.

I don't know if it was a mistake to tell my mother that I don't like women, but that I like men like Uncle Li. I saw disbelief in her eyes, and I also saw disbelief and even panic in Uncle Li's eyes.As a result, one of the two people who loved me the most died within a year, and the other disappeared.

I don't want to say that I am the person who tells the story, but I believe that my mother and Uncle Li have far more secrets than me, but they never mentioned it to me, and I can only rely on my own guesses. The original truth is unknown.After asking them for a long time, it can only increase the pain of curiosity and the cold war between each other, so I simply gave up and inquired slowly in secret.

I called Uncle Li with my mobile phone again, but the other party was always on the phone, and I sent a text message to Uncle Li again, but it was always the result of nothing.No disappointment, because there is no hope at all, and slowly I almost got used to it.

It's just that when the setting sun falls on the top of the mountain, in Uncle Li's words, it means that the setting sun lights a cigarette for the mountain forest, which is the life that gods live every evening.I lit a cigarette, just like in the evening many years ago, when my mother found out that I was smoking disobediently, she threatened me that it is illegal for underage children to smoke, and if you don’t go to school well, Uncle Li will arrest you and send you to jail.

In a trance, I seemed to hear that sentence again, and couldn't help but say, Uncle Li, take me away.It’s just that looking back, there is an empty room, only incense candles are burning there, and my mother’s smiling face only exists in the thick frame, and she can’t walk in front of me anymore, stroking my cheek, what do you want to eat tonight? Mom will cook for you.

Tears rolled down his cheeks in an instant.

PS:——

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